The Kibitzer

Getting over the Hump

2010-05-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

With our latest cycle canceled we have toyed with the idea of leaving our current Dr and seeking out another one.

The problem is I am not happy with the Dr. now but then again I am not laying with MY feet in stirrups. DO I have a right to wanna switch as the NON-BIO mom ( a term I am starting to Loathe it already but sometimes I feel like NON - BIO makes me BIONIC somehow. Play on words maybe to make me feel better.

I like our Dr. she is like a Dr. Baily from Grey Anatomy but her bedside manner has changed a bit and she left M a message and it was very condescending at least I thought it was. The message she left completely threw me off and really left a sour taste in my mouth. Me seems impartial and not affected. She is like a Quaker man, non confrontational and such. After M and I discussed the Dr.'s message she gave a great spiel how she was going to say how she feels and tell the Doctor. I was convinced and she sounded great right after we heard the message but then she kinda looses her fizzle and by fizzle I mean passion and vigor to tell the Dr. how she feels.

The other issue is we have 2 vials of EL SPERMIES there and we are not sure how that works if we go to another Reproductive Endocrinologist. How the transfer from one facility to another. I will look in to that.

So, we are just waiting once again for Aunt Flow to arrive and then hopefully by then we will know M will know where and who she wants to go to.

Perhaps with infertility treatment they should give you free psych sessions- I think I could benefit from a few!

Heartstrings

2010-05-25T11:14:00.001-07:00

Up until NOW this very moment I have been so excited to be on this baby making Journey.

I have read blog upon blog and sat in on chat room upon chat room listening and watching as other lesbian couples talk about the ups and downs. I understood this part. I read how people have been trying and trying for YEARS. Yes, I said years some 6 other 10 and some only 2years. I freak out on these numbers 10 years are you kidding me ? We barely have enough saved for 6months.

We tried to go the aggressive route this cycle. that means gonal-f and HCG trigger . Not cheap the gonal f which we requested instead of Follistem was CHEAPER with what our Nurse said was the same effect and results. Just a few hundred dollars cheaper. We shelled out the $1100 and ordered the meds from three different pharmacies to make sure we got the cheapest price for each. Hey, man at this point every 1/2 a cent counts!

So, we did injections nightly for about 14 days went to the RE yesterday and she said well, "it looks like the growth of the follicles has stopped" my heart sank. It literally dropped I felt it. Then she said we will cancel this cycle and you will trigger and start your period in 2 weeks.

Uhh... [MY THOUGHT PROCESS: if this was a movie scene the screen gets blurry and wavy] We had plans to go out of town for a month. Umm, we were supposed to be pregnant and wait what did you say canceled what about all the effing money we shelled out for meds and the IUI cycle. so now my jokes about my wife's expensive thighs is true but worth nothing !

Here is what we think - We think that Melanie was growing good sized follicles and on Thurs the follicules seem to have shrunk according to the numbers we inquired and were assured THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT and increase our injection dose to 150. Come Monday the Re tells us she is not responding to the medication. It was so annoying and heartbreaking and my heartstrings gave way a little. I was so disappointed but at what and whom? Then I got angry and real sad I actually cried. It was weird even for me. We think Melanie actually ovulated already and why the Dr did not get or see this I have no idea. It is Mad Science so I offered my concoction opinion to the Dr which I learned about in a chat/blog group. Why am I making suggestions to the Dr. isn't she the one who is supposed to tell us how to move forward? UGG.

SO now we wait for M to start her cycle all over again. Change our plans and once again do the waiting game and plan life around the Re visits.

P.S. friends and followers I will be moving this blog to the official twomomstrying blog on wordpress here is the link follow me there or bookmark it

Crack Habit

2010-05-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

I recently purchased M a 2 books on being vegetarian and pregnant. We have both been veg heads for 15plus years. People are amazed when I tell them this. I guess the assumption that vegetarians are skinny. They may be right but not when it comes to me. I'm a biggie and that is putting it nicely. Anyhow, we eat well clearly. Eggs and cheese are staple, yes we are vegetarians not vegans and we do eat fish. Fine if it make you feel better we are Pescetarian, fish eating vegetarians.

I was sure M would have to belly up and eat meat during pregnancy ( WE ARE NOT PREGNANT YET) but man I did not realize you can actually carry a baby and be a

In our tryin to conceive journey we have just decided to eat as if she were pregnant and eliminate soy as we ate a ton and well not sure how that interfered with her levels. Soy has estrogen.

Back to the books I bought and pretty much most of the pregnancy books go though categories and phases. Several books have a quit smoking while pregnant phase and then there are a few books that even go on to say and explain why you should quick your crack habit and or your LSD usage. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ! Chances are if one preggo needs to Kick her crack and or LSD habit then how likely is she to even read this book. Again, i was shocked that it was in the book. Certainly if someone was preggo and had a crack or LSD habit then they should be reading a different book and the likelyhood of them being a Crak/LSD user that happens to be a vegetarian .... COME ON ... really COME ON!

It really gets my goat when i see this because here we are two LOVING people who dote on one another trying to have a baby. Thought of and decided to make this baby thought a reality, wishing for it wanting it and tasting it so badly and yet no one bats an eye when a book is published saying it might be best of you kicked your Crack habit once you are pregnant.

So preggos out there and potential preggos please put the CRACK PIPE DOWN !

by the way fans and readers I am working on a better newer shinier blog its is still under construction but will soon be THE BLOG for all the BABY MAKING STUFF http://twomomstrying.wordpress.com/

you can keep reading here I'll tell you when I do the switcharoo!

Egg on my mind!

2010-05-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

YEAH BABY.. been doing these injection of Gonal F - Ok, I have been giving these injections of Gonal F to the Mrs. and we went to our Reproductive Endocrinologist for the dildo inside thing (vaginal ultrasound) and woo hoo .. We got Eggs !

We have half a dozen eggs! They are small but we are just at Cycle day 8
so this means the injections are working as we normal on clomid have 1 or 2.

The wait in the office to get in to see the RE was really long a lot longer than usual and they kept apologizing. I was annoyed but I got over it and M as always chillaxed. I notice while I was waiting and trying to not bounce off the walls or fall asleep there were several women in the office whom had the GREEN wrist band. We know this Green wrist band is for IUI's to be performed in our case its matches M up with her SPERM and I suppose a Wife up with her Husbands swimmer for the Heteros. Oddly the three women whom I notice with Wrist bands were all alone. Whats is the deal with the partner and or husband not coming .. OKAY, they could be doing the single mom thing but what are the chances of 3 women for IUI and all single? What up with that. Its just weird that husbands don't seem to have a role here and I think they should!

Ever since we have been back from the Re's we have been Cracking jokes (HA) and making egg yolks all day long !

Ask for Everything

2010-05-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

All of our medication came in. It's crazy how they send this stuff and how they give it to you. Our house is starting to look like a pharmacy. Pill bottles and syringes and sharps containers Its amazing!

We saw our RE last week, we have not been there in a Month. M had her blood drawn and they did an ultrasound and we forked over this cycles payment. UGGG.. it will all be worth it I know !
We started doing the Gonal F injections on Saturday in the evening. The Dr advised us to use the side of M's thigh towards the rear? I thought this a lil odd .. but she said its better for absorption. Its a subcutaneous injection so I suppose between the two muscle is a fatty area? Damn I should go back to school and get my RN or Phlebotomy Lic.

We went to L.A. to hang with My mom for mothers day
(a real quick trip) so we loaded up the cooler with ice packs and the medication. It needs to be refrigerated.

I was also very adamant about getting what samples and kick backs I could from our Dr. Our Prenatals are RX by the Dr and super expensive so I asked for samples. I also wrote to the company of the prenatal and they told me our Dr should have a discount card. I mentioned it and they kinda just looked at me and then gave us the card.

M is a quieter type and will just go with flow and does not like to be pushy. I say EFF that We are paying a crap load and were doing most of the leg work. SO MY WORDS OF WISDOM... ASK FOR EVERYTHING! I notice while the nurse was looking for the samples to give us in the giant cabinet that has everything there were 3 Boxes of Follistim Pens and Crinone gel (if there is a next time I will take advantage of that stuff for sure)

SO friends again .. DONT BE SHY! ASK and TAKE !

so yay for us we are on our 3rd try and feel great about it and just as excited as try 1 and 2 !!!

Mother's Day and Medication

2010-05-11T09:00:00.001-07:00

We seem to always have a quick jaunt to So. Cal from NV when we are in the middle of our trying to conceive sessions. Its seems that right before our cycle day 3 or right after our two week wait we have a trip planned. Bad Timing? I don't know - just our luck maybe we have plans cuz we rarely have things to do but when we make plans seems everything happens. This Mother's day was no exception.

We were not planing on going and when I let my dad know via a phone conversation he kinda gave me a GUILT TRIP. Keep in mind I have not missed my Mothers Mothers day brunch in years! I felt bad but M was gonna be on cycle day 3 on Saturday and to drive out to So. Cal Saturday night and then return Sunday is/was ridiculous. My Dad even questioned me about our Saturday RE visit. He said, "and the Dr's office is open on Saturday to see M?" I laughed and said yes in this business there is someone on call but we also have lots of medicine we need to keep refrigerated. His response to that was, "well Pack a cooler". I felt so bad when I hung up the phone and told M we had to go even if for a night. Luckily, the RE saw her on Friday and we left later that evening. So we packed up for Mother's Day and the Medication.

Mother's Day was a nice Brunch my mom and her friends and then my Sabta. Usually the same every year. This year I told my moms friends who have Sons in college how they should encourage their sons to donate and how Jewish sperm is hard to come by and how much money they can get paid .. It was very comical and I am not bashful.
Hopefully, a few So. Cal sperms banks will get a few new Donors !!!

On Saturday night there at my parents house we gave M her first injection of Gonal F and it always so entertaining cuz she gets giddy and has a nervous laugh and has to get a pillow to cover her head.. My dad even helped us cuz he has a pen injectable of some diabetic med he takes. Its just funny - she hates needles... but her reaction is HYSTERICAL and not like a typical afraid reaction.

Now that I am on this quest to be a Mother - Mother's day had a different connotation to me . I celebrated with all these wonderful Moms mine included and I felt the yearning and longing being that we are working on Project Baby !!!
It did not hit me until I posted the following on Facebook and My aunt responded which brought me to TEARS ! I was getting in bed and jumped on line and saw her reply.

I posted the following,

"Happy Mother's Day to all the MAMAS out there
!!!! I can only aspire to be just like you - someday !"

and then I read my Aunts reply and tears fell from my eyes. Her reply was,

"You will be...".

Just re typing this and re reading makes me choke. I can only hope !

Injectables

2010-05-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, moving forward. We received a call from the grievance department from our DELIGHTFUL health insurance. They now tell us it will be 30 days for our grievance to be filed and decided. Then my wife's says to the woman on the phone,

"I DON'T HAVE 30 DAYS ... I AM ABOUT TO BLEED"

and I finish the statement off quietly with BITCH. M has been on Birth control pills for almost the entire month and we were supposed to trick her system in to giving her a second period but since the medication/insurance process became so lengthy she really did not need the birth control pills and well WOAH can you say PMS. She usually gets cramps and a little agitation but this is full on FULL METAL JACKET mood swings. okay, that may be my perspective ... but i have never seen her like THIS before.

So, we decide to forgo trying to have our DELIGHTFUL insurance co cover the medication for this cycle. We paid out of pocket (DONT EVEN ASK ITS A LOT). medication was ordered. M called just about every fertility pharmacy to determine who has what prices and who is the best price ... I was proud as it was just like a (enter my last name if you know it) way. SO all of her meds are coming from different pharmacies.

We received a knock at the door and low and behold its our FEDEX driver who happens to be a Lesbian ( M thinks so) and she gives us the box with all our INJECTABLES inside. I love the word injectable... everything is on ice and it came with its own sharp container. I was impressed. My dad has injections he needs and he did not even get a container but I guess if your paying (insert large amount here ... No a little higher than that) then you deserve a sharp container.

We are getting ready to start as soon as M hits Cycle Day 3, which should be any day now as she took her last birth control pill on Monday and well her own body is ready according to her and her PMS. Hopefully third time is a charm cuz were ready to get this baby started!

I will also add I am excited to giver her these injectables. I am a bit sad they come in pen form and are pretty much self contained. Originally the medication would have been in a vial with a syringe that I would have to draw up ( you know I love medical stuff) I guess the pen will have to suffice!

I don't know what the side effects are or what kind of hormonal change will occur. I do know that M's PMS tends to be of the hellacious kind and I do not wish that on anyone. WOAH ... WATCH OUT !

Thank god were not dying !

2010-05-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Our insurance company does cover some fertility medications. I read through the paperwork from front to back cover and of course it is vague as all get out and footnoted like crazy.

For the past 3 weeks we have had a prescription submitted to our insurance for medication to assist M in ovulating, egg maturity and follicle production. This one particular medication is 1,700 just for this particular injection ( there are a few of them) and then there is a HCG trigger to release the egg once its mature enough and progesterone gel she will need after we inseminate. HCG is about 50$ for this injection and the progesterone gel is 250 for 14 days supply ...That is 2000 just in medication. Which is covered by the insurance but, not covered because it is for Artificial Insemination. That is foot note 15.

What does this mean well seeing as we have submitted this 3 weeks ago and M is about to cycle and we need this medication ASAP now. So, after about 20 plus calls to figure out what it means what is covered and what the hell is going on... and THANK GOD she is not dying or really in need of serious medical care.

We have now set for a Grievance with the insurance company, that was supposed to be reviewed in 72 hours but apparently that women whom told us that was incorrect and it take 30 days.

We will get past thins and we will NOT let this GET US DOWN but it is aggravating and frustrating. We are just trying to have a baby - people. Does it really need to be that difficult !

Party! ... Like were 80

2010-04-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

WOAH .. so M and I though we would divert the Baby Making stress by volunteering our time to GAY PRIDE. There was a PRIDE Girls party at a bar here in Las Vegas and we volunteered our photography skills.

SO we went to this club and it was about 10pm (late for us ) and well M is very shy so I am always interested in how walking up to strangers and taking a photos will pan out for her. Me on the other hand I rarely have an issue... and Just walk up and say Hey, your looking good mind if we photograph you .. blah blah blah. Funny how I am self conscious but yet I can do things like that.

It was w bit slow at first people were shy, reserved and timid including Melanie. We mosied and walked around in circles. Our plan was I would ask/talk to the people and she would take the picture. It went well.

It picked up the later it got, atypical for clubs were ready to go home and call it quits and the scantily clad Go Go dancers show up. Boy did the party get started. Gyration Girls kissing .... We were partying now .. but we felt like we were 80 !

We aren't accustomed to being in bars where you can still smoke ? It was odd and well our bodies did not adjust so well. I felt as though I smoked 20 cigarettes and my close wreaked like I was trapped in a box filled with smoke and ash.

Insurance - love it and hate it !

2010-04-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Trying to conceive and the emotional roller coaster is one thing. One huge thing but never did anyone mention the tribulations with insurance.

Insurance, I believe it should be an oxy-moron. Again, the roller coaster of trying is a peice of cake in comparisson to having to deal with the insurance. Our insurance is supposed to cover a percentage of our fertility medication - This is the reason we chose this lovely company. Here we are now trying to get a pre-auth and an approval calling the pharmacy and then having the RE call us and then calling the Insurance company. A shit load of leg work, SHIT LOAD I SAY and why are we paying these people.

We know our insurance does not cover Artificial insemination and we were ok with that and understood it to mean that they will not pay for the IUI's and IVF.

We were told today that our Insurance the lovely company that they are does not permit/allow treatments for Artificial insemination and that includes just the medication apparently. The short story, is that a Hetero Couple that has fertility issues can get coverage if they do not need insemination help .... but if they do then they can not get coverage via insurance! Crazy I know ... so why cant our RE say that we are just need the medication and why disclose we are doing INSEMINATION.

M is getting upset by the whole insurance idea. I feel bad, but I am so proud that she had been dealing with this all on her own and doing the back n forth trying to coordinate.

Well the bottom line is while we are still financially able we will forage forward and try to conceivable. We have saved for it and will go through what we have to!

WE WON

2010-04-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

SO while we have been trying to conceive we have also been trying to win products for our baby. We just won a cute amazing stroller. Now we just need said baby for the stroller!

Check out what we just got its from Baby Planet: Endangered Species Stroller
They bring consciousness to families and for every stroller sold they donate money to WWF foundation to help Endangered Species.

I hope this win sets forth some amazing Baby JUJU for us.

I just found out that a old friend of mine who is straight who was also trying just got her positive result. She had tried three cycles the old fashion way and so again .. I am hoping our third time is a charm. I was a little jealous at first but now i am over the moon for her. Its weird how that happens how we are trying and when we hear someone else is preggo this enormous amount of hate annoyance and ill feelings consumes us.

Other than this win not too much has been going on .. M is still on BC and will commence soon I think and we just wait for her cycle.

We have met with some new friends and have all decided that we need to figure out how to get a gay/lesbian parenting magazine. cuz its GAYby booming !

So happy baby making !

LAY AND WAIT

2010-04-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

M has been on Birth control for a bit she has to take them for 10 days then we stop and do the injections. Its fun for me - she is a lil scared. Damn i shoudl have went on to get my RN .. I love medical stuff but i really have a tough time with Bureaucracy . I think its the reason many are so unhappy with their jobs!

We have joined a Lesbian/Gay group in town and have met some amazing people. There is one couple whom we are becoming close to and I just have to say ... BOY O BOY its so nice to be able to speak to someone about this about everything about us. They already have a baby a beautiful little boy who is a delight. I love shooting the shit with them because WE never really had anyone to compare notes with and DAMN ... OH DAMN its so wonderful and awe inspired!

There are just some Lesbian couples that have a different dynamic and even though we are all lesbians and gays there is a huge subculture with in the group. The Butch Femme dynamic the sporty/competitive lesbians, femme femme and it can go on for a while -. NOT THAT THESE LABELS OR DYNAMICS matter but its just hard for me and M to hang out and relate to sporty lesbian - we can but we just have a different/difference. Oh this must make me sound horrible ... i think most of you will get it but some may not ... JUST TRUST ME ... I am not really picky but its hard to relate no one is better than or less than we are all equal and just as family dynamics are culturally different so are lesbian couples. Anyhow I am trying to say I am really glad we have made and are making new friends!

We are still on the Baby Project ... waiting .. and waiting .. but we have had a 2 week break and we celebrated regrouped and re focused and we are ready to tackle the next cycle injections and all. I heard some great feedback about the injections we are getting and so I am excited not sure about M. So here is to looking forward and moving UP ... Pregnancy we are ready come take us !

Who knew!

2010-04-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

I am very public about our trials and tribulations when it comes to Project Baby ! I am very vocal that we are 2 moms trying to conceive. I am so amazed when I tell people that we are trying to get pregnant and the process we have to go through. Then the person whom i am divulging this to usually a woman usually replies with her own struggles when she tried to have a baby. The majority of folks I am speaking to are straight and so they share their experience with me and it is SAD, but amazing that I have this camaraderie with them. Then I grasp what they are really saying ... the NO, shit your straight and have sperm at your disposal and it did not go as you planned look on my face! Who knew that straight people have just as much problems conceiving as us and they usually have all the mechanisms needed, full access to an unlimited amount of sperm. WHO KNEW!

I was discussing with my friend whom shared with me that she and her man were also trying and I was so delighted when she mentioned that she was thinking the same thing I was, which is that when we see a young teen that is pregnant we tend to think .. WHAT the .... she prolly did not even plan that and she prolly does not even whan it and here her and I are and we would practically do anything. I wont even write about the friends who are also trying and finally see success or say no we were not trying it just happened! They piss me off too but not in a bad pissed off why but a confused way.

Oddly, my friend and I are were a little envious of eachother prior to our marathon emailing. She was envious of us because she's thinking we have medical intervention so we are taking it down to the science of conception and I was thinking she has a live sperm donor who can donate at any time place and date and its free! Either way neither of us are pregnant yet but the comedy and tragedy in this Emotional Roller coaster is amazing and we both agreed Humbling !

I'm not a religious person and she may be more Godly than myself but she made a very valid point which was, "it is a miracle of God. not man, nor science can ensure it will happen." and well I am not sure about the miracle part but I know we have very little control even though we feel like we have to make a decision and choice about our process on a daily basis!

So, no matter if your are straight, gay or single and trying we all have our trials and tribulations and eventual success!

Happy Baby dust to you !

Rollercoaster of Emotions

2010-04-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

So We did our second IUI a few weeks ago and had the Beta test (its the blood test that tells you if you are prego or not) we were so sure it worked this time. We meditated, changed our diet, cut out soy (which is tough for us Vegheads) and M did acupuncture and massage galore. Our Beta on Friday revealed a Big Fat Negative. M was so so so BUMMED to the Max and well its a super emotional time for both of us.
Oddly, we always have a trip planned right after we have the results. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

It was an unsuccessful one again.. and only our second try. We know better, we know that it takes 3-6 trys on average for a successful IUI. But we want it so so so bad not to mention the savings if it were to happen sooner than later would be nice.

So now we wait again for the cycle to continue or until we can't take it anymore or our money runs out...This is difficult for me because there is no definitive that says, ok now switch donors or now try this way or now stop trying. We are gonna keep trying !!!!

While we were in LA we stopped off at the sperm bank we are using and we begged them to let us pick up our Donor sperm. It saves us a little money on shipping (every bit counts) so we drove from CA to NV with our most precious Cargo. So fricken comical this experience is we are either balling our eyes out or ready to kill each other or laughing hysterically at Dinner for NO NO NO apparent reason or singing to our DONOR SPERM.. AFTERALL THIS JUST MAY BE 1/2 OUR KID!

Today M and I are Celebrating our 3 year Domestic Partnership so we are excited that we have this huge tank and are hoping it will have conception mojo !

Its a crazy ride for 2 moms trying !

2010-04-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Still waiting. I am trying not to be so Focused on trying to Conceive as I think I may be thinking about it to much. Like a watch pot never boils.
M goes in for blood work this AM ... Same routine different Day. I am being and thinking positive ! M feels great and she is now adjusted to all her medicine.

We will be headed out this afternoon to So Cal. M has a work meeting and then we have a wedding on Sunday ! That should be fun- We really miss Cali a lot.

I am still doing a ton of reading- which is surprising to me as I dont like to read much.

I will say that the Reproductive Endocrinologist we see said it was a good thing we cu out Soy from our diets during this process. Damn, it been a bitch to figure out what to eat being a vegetarian and not eating soy is a difficult task Of course we are making do.

Time Change sucks!

2010-04-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while since we changed our clockes but damn it really screwed/ screws me up ! I am just not with it - could also be cause of this ear thing i have gong on. Infection cleared up but I hear the fluid in side my ear. it is extremely annoying and very headache-is but as my lovely grandmother says - "I'm not complaining" and actually I am not... occasionally I will mention something to M but usually not and my Dr. advised I give it a while to correct on its own ... Well MOFO its been a month if not more.

Been super busy getting stuff ready for the wedding we are attending this coming weekend. Nextime I am not going to be so forthcoming in offering my services. People just seem so unappreciative these days and it really throws me. I have spent a few cents on this project in which i volunteered myself and they offered to pay me but I am not sure what to do ... DO I just say aww it was nothing and still get a gift or do I gift them the paper good my services and ink ? I dunno? I'm too DAMN nice!

Lastly, I really get annoyed with people who say they are "POOR' and make excuses and such and then low and behold the so POOR people are going on vacations .. or Buy a big house or a new car ?? Makes no sense to me. Especially when I check my account almost everyday and determine if I wanna spend money on Gasoline for my car or save the money and go out to eat and using what coupons I can and sadly even asking company brands to send me a free coupon ! I dont get it and it really annoys me .. and yet I am the one who is offering the bum on the street my leftovers or a bag of food for his/hers dogs that looks like it has not eaten in a great while! CHUM CHANGE ... instead of tipping people at the counters where there need not be a tip jar... i give that 50cents or dollar to someone who really needs it !

Just my rant for the day !

Thursdays Escape me

2010-04-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

another Late blog my apologies.

I am not sure what the deal is but Thursday seem to escape me. On Thursdays I dont wake up as early as I do the other days. Weird.

So M went to the acupuncturist again . This time she had to see a new one a more authentic one if you will by my standards. Why authentic you ask, well she is Japanese for one and not native to USA or so it seems with her very think Japanese accent. The other Acupuncturist was all American a Jewish vegetarian at that kinda hookey mookey as far as I am concerned but I never met her in person just via Website. Hey, now I did not judge a book by its cover ... or in this case a woman on her website but I base my opinions on M's interactions with her and M's report on how her experience went.

So the Acupuncturist taught her some Tsai chi I am sure I spelled that wrong .. and talked to her about Meditation ans such. Blood work show all levels good and progressing.

So See you on Tuesday !

Anatomy is Amazing

2010-03-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes We are still on Project Baby (I know I sound like a broken record) Hurry Up and wait. M went back to RE for blood work /hormone checks and we wait for the Magic number and the magic call and then all the magic will happen.

During this down/ hurry up and wait period I tend to read and research and read again. There are Blogs a plenty about fertility and websites galore on female anatomy and the fertilization, implantation process. AMAZING ... I have looked at a bazillion diagrams of female fertility process.

It just amazes me that these tiny sperms swim so far well in IUI case its only a 4-6 inch swim but it takes them a while. My reading did not tell me how they know which fallopian tube to swim up. I suppose they maybe swim up both, I dunno but they do. I am also amazed that an egg is released from the ovary and just knows to float to the fallopian tube? See I said it was amazing.

We are-trying to stay calm .. and doing lots of visualizations oh and did I mention lots of reading. I cant stop !!!!

LATE BLOG

2010-03-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

eek ... sorry, I woke up at 5:30 AM for no apparent reason and had the song "Oh Sheila" and I was like WTF? I dunno either, today I am feeling totally off.. its so weird.

Anyhow, went to see RE on Wednesday and she did a ultrasound and measure M lining and follicles. Her lining is great and her follicle are at 20 something. Guess the acupuncture helped and the massage too ! We wait now for the RE to let us know when to trigger.

M and made a vision board . It petty cool we use it for inspiration positive thinking. This process has really brought us closer together in many ways. I am so thankful for her and appreciate what she brings to my life and thankful for her and my life in general although there could be some improvements like a decent job.

and now we just wait - the waiting parts in this baby project really sucks!

Not Alone

2010-03-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

still hurry up and wait ... I wonder if we would feel the same way if we were actually "infertile" I mean I guess we have a case of Male infertility ...Obviously, but were not infertile.

We made new friends this past weekend New Gay Friends some with children who have already gone though this process and some still trying. We met a younger couple that is trying to conceive and it sadly comforting knowing that things were not easier for them because they were younger. It was very comforting knowing we are not alone in this process. It's comforting to know there are people that we now actually know .. er met that have tried more more than us and some who have tried less and some success and some unsuccessful. The bottom line is that we are all gay and going through the process-and we already know what a crazy process it is.

Camaraderie is a wonderful thing and though each of us had a different route in this process and there are never guarantees we love knowing that we are able to speak to real live people who live it or lived though it who are also willing to share. YAY for new friend!

We are still waiting for the follicles to get a little bit bigger but all of M's hormone levels are great and her lining looks good too. She did a session of acupuncture and said that was great she came home and literally looked stoned she was so relaxed and stressless. Her eyes were lil dopey and half open- who knew having tiny needles in you could make you feel that good but my wife like hooky mookey medicine teh chiropracter, massage, touch healing all that.

We are still working on it....but not alone and very thankful to be able to go through this process and meet amazing people!

We're not infertile just GAY

2010-03-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have bee reading lots of fertility and infertility blogs. Trying to find out if and what insurance will and will not cover . We are not really "infertile" ... No were just GAY... so the lack of sperm creates this infertile /fertile thing.

We go back to the Fertility Specialist today ... a ultrasound and blood work. I heard M tell her mom on the phone, "thank goodness the midget will be there" and I chuckle. There is a little person that is there on TUE/Thur and she is one of the very few ho can draw M's blood with out extra pokes and usually with out incident. We are very happy that she is there and mean no disrespect but THANK GOD for the MIDGET.

M finished her clomid and hopefully the follicles are getting bigger she started on a estrogen hormone last night..

again its the wait and see...

still waiting

2010-03-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

This time change is killing me ... My goodness why do we have to do it I am having a way hard time adjusting. I know its only an hour but i am off like 3 hours somehow?

So all of of M's medications arrived safe and sound and the Pharmacy even gave us a discount ! YAY and THANK YOU Walgreen's Specialty Pharmacy.

We are really sad and a lil annoyed that the nurse we loves is no longer at this facility and the girl who took over her position just seems a lil young and a lil ditzy, but we kinda pros now so we know. We dont have to go back until Thursday ( i know this wait even though nothing is really going on and we are waiting for the follicles to get bigger just seems like a longer than normal wait time.

M will start the estrogen my poor wife all these hormones are causing her to break out like a high school girl. Its a lil fumy but hormones happen and so far she id occupied by doing our taxes so she is not overtly irritable (YET)

Anyhow go back on Thursday for a Ultrasound and blood work and then hopefully then they will schedule us for another and we will just monitor the growth and then do a trigger and eventually the insemination again.

I feel it in my bones this time and we pretty much act like M is already prego, changed our diet and look at adorable baby clothed and cribs .. So excited!

Here we go again!

2010-03-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Went to RE today. M Had a ultrasound Dr was able to visualize lots of eggs on each side but small. Got a scrip for Clomid will start that tonight. Have to go back on 18th for another ultrasound and blood work. Thank goodness they were able to get her blood in one try. Sadly, the nurse we really like there left .. bummer! Lots of other lesbian couples there today that was nice to see. So, here we go again YAY ! Trigger should arrive tomorrow and now that we Hurried up we have to wait! We feel good maybe better than in the beginning as we now know what to expect. On a side note it was snowing when we left the Dr. office ... and when we got home.

I noticed our sperm bank now offers a handful of donors who are willing to be known who have adult photos available and a full face video. I was thinking about looking and seeing if we should switch- I dunno if what he looks like matters and I like our donor and ***weirdness*** his birthday is soon and we believe we will be inseminating very close to his birthday. Odd I know ...

Hurry ... WAIT!

2010-03-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

We did an insemination and waited the dreaded 2 week wait. M went in for hormone test galore. They can't find her veins very well so she had 6 pokes and lots of fishing which hurts and now GNARLY bruised to show.

Unfortunately our IUI was unsuccessful. We hear this is common place for the first IUI and people who get it on first try are relatively lucky. Sadly, M was having morning sickness symptoms which were caused by the progesterone or the metformin so it was a little miss leading.

We are not as disappointed as most are when they get the call with negative results. We were kinda like ... ahh ok so this is how its going to be and well, we did not really want a scorpio baby anyhow ... I know, I know ... how can we say that!

The bottom line was it was not the right time and it was just not meant to be at that moment. We are hopeful and eager to go full force for round 2 and now we know what to expect so its not so big and scary and the wait is still dreaded but we will understand it more.

so Happy Baby dust to us and anyone else trying and we are thinking positive!

Sorry

2010-03-04T10:56:00.001-08:00

SOrry for the late blog, I am totally sick and it really sucks and totally stressed

I have no idea where I got sick from. But my throat is killing me, at first I thought it was the Tequilla I was drinking the other night. I needed a mental vacation so I took refuge in a bottle of patron ... 5 shots later i was happily numbed. Hey, man dont knock it .. I rarely drink but i was so stressed out I figured I try. The housewives in OC drink that stuff like it's water and they are a quarter of me. I dont know how they do it !

Anyhow, Still stressed and now have a KILLER KILLER throat issue. I slept in which is unusual for me. Now I sound like a bad smoker, although sometimes my sick sexy voice comes out ! My chest is heavy and feel like one big almost dried booger, You know he feeling.

Anyhow My throat coat is brewed and waiting for me ... or my throat is waiting for it.

Roller Coaster

2010-03-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

I have had a new outlook on the Project Baby thing.

Knowing that we are trying and having it be successful we are kinda puling all the stops. We changes what we are eating and basically eating like we are pregnant. No deli meats ( not that we ate them to begin with, no caffeine, chocolate and no white sugar,) Increased eating pineapple, bananas and fruit all around bromilad (sp) helps implantation supposedly.

M is still on some hormones she went for a level check yesterday. They had to stick her 6 times. She almost fainted and threw up. She says its because she has "BAD" veins. They collapse which is a common things phlebotomist encounter but I also think her veins are small and her blood pressure is real REAL low so the vacationer is too much pressure for her vein and well causes collapsing. They should just use a syringe this way they can monitor the suction. Anyhow, her progesterone levels have lowered. They were really high and now they are lower nothing to be concerned about they said they will monitor and it was not so low that she should double up on her progesteone. This new was really upsetting to M and well her whole experience (she did not want me to go cuz it was supposed t be a simple blood draw) She drinks water before she goes so she is hydrated.

ANyhow, the constant up and downs with these hormones I am supportive and been really good trying to do everything ... and well I get my head bitten off...

Trying to insert myself in this process but she does not think my questions are valid or legitimate and really its her body and her experience.. I just kinda get left out and that makes me feel bad.

Lagging

2010-02-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the late blog again,

I am just not feeling myself these days. I no longer have an ear infection but i have very very clogged ears as if I am on a plane that keeps landing and taking off. I feel like if I tild my hear to teh right that a whatever is in my ear will fall out. I went to a ENT 2 times now checked my hearing which he says is phenomenal. When your in a small box that is sound proof of course you can hear everything.

Anyhow, I am lil dizzy and have headaches and he says that my ear will have to drain on its own. I wonder sucky Nevada Health Care or The Dr is right?

I made another appointment first week of march so if its not unclogged by then he better do something. If i dont drain it myself. A sharp needle? There should be a website that is dedicated to at home procedures so people dont have to worry about expensive cost and medical bills or no insurance. I would be game.

Well, Project Baby is still going frustrating also. We have to wait for that perfect moment and hope it does not get missed and M went today for a hormone check again. Hurry up and WAIT ... we have been doing a lot of that !

My mothers other daughter

2010-02-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

Like i mentioned in previous post. I have sort of kind of been "chatting" with my estranged sister. We have not really spoke in about 4 years this Jan.

How we came to chat (it was actually e-mail) we are e-mailing. Of course our mother had something to do with this. The middle man... She always took bits and pieces of our lives and stories to each of our families. The conversation would sound something like this, "I know you don't care or wanna hear about it but, your sister.."
and this is how we were kept in the loop with one another but not ever talking.

My sister did a really really hurtful thing and the "I'm better than you attitude" is really obnoxious. She was more of a hazard to me than any good and why should I have kept someone in my life who was always belittling me and degrading. I would have to think more than twice if i was going to say something and walking on egg shells- being judged really sucks and quite frankly, she did a lot of very hurtful things. She never really did apologize.. she called to say she was calling to apologize but never said she was sorry or even what she was apologizing for?

Anyhow, I am not trying to rekindle the relationship. I have come to terms with being an elective single child. I know your thinking how can you say that and blood blah blah blah .. but it been 4 years and we were never NEVER close and this I remember from when I was very little.

I think its really funny how we have been E-mailing for a few days ( my responses are much longer and more in depth that hers) and all of the sudden she just invites me to visit her in another state for her sons bris. Yes, it was very awkward to me and I'm sure if I go I would feel some sort of animosity or something because nothing has really been resolved but because we are hopefully going to both be mothers (if This Project Baby ever comes to a head) that I should arrive at the the bris and we are act like best friends. (well, that's what I think in my head and only because I have an ideology of the Preis clan which is a real sisterhood and what I would want if I ever had a sister.)

I'm ok with e-mailing her for now and certainly keeping her at bay but not sure if I will ever consider her to be my sister. She certainly fell short of what I think a sister should be and we are really on opposite sides of the spectrum with nothing, NOTHING in common. She is uber republican probably staunch, high-falooten and will step on and over whom she can to get to where she needs to go. and... well i need something more than this, I need someone who's got heart and a soul.

It really does amaze me that we were even birthed from the same parents and were housed in the same womb and have the similar genetic makeup and we are EXTREMELY different.

So, I will keep e-mailing because that is who I am but and i will toss my expectations to the side to protect myself from getting hurt or being disappointed.

Injected

2010-02-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the late blog- Ack I am really not myself these days.

Well, at 9:00 pm yesterday I gave M a injection also known as a trigger. Its is similar to a Hcg surge. This "trigger" will trigger her ovaries to release the matured ovum so we can do an insemination.

I have taken a medical assisting course and a phlebotomy course so giving an injection was no biggie for me. It has been a while but whats the big deal. However, M who is the biggest whimp when it comes to needles or the sheer smell of rubbing alcohol. It's kinda cute. Anyhow, I watched a video on a website for this particular medication and the nurse at the fertility clinic also gave me a quick review. Clear air bubble, prime the syringe (make it so a drop comes out of needle prior to injection) did it all. This injection is a subcutaneous ( shorter needle that gets injected in to the first few layers of skin the cutaneous layers and NOT IN muscle.) I'm in position i am ready ( its like playing darts a lil you just dont let go) and them M starts laughing hysterically. I mean hysterically, so now I am holding this uber expensive medication in a syringe mind you and we are cracking up. I have no idea why .. I think for her it was a nervous laugh maybe and I was just laughing cuz she though it was so funny. Then she wanted to cover her head with a blanket so she would not see me do it but then kept laughing and saying, "wait, wait, wait," it was quite comical then i thought i shoudl just do it while she is laughing except she was moving so much. We finally both calmed down and i stuck her. She ask, "did you do it already" and as I withdrew the needle i say No not yet. Her response was, "wow, I did not feel it" and then of course a few second pass and she starts saying it hurts and burns.

Now we wait for the next step. Insemination. We have been keeping everyone in the loop thus far but then we realized if we tell people about the swimmers and when we do insemination then people may ask us ... Are you pregnant? and that can be detrimental and stressful. So we will not tell anyone when we inseminate. I hope I can keep my mouth shut .. I like to be open about things and quite frankly, I am not a good liar or fibber.

But we are so excited and Giddy ... M went and has 2 massages this week to relax her she has a free card/subscription an has several hours saved up and if we do get pregnant she can not have a massage for 5 weeks. We have been eating all the things she will not be able to eat if she becomes pregnant. Blue cheese, big fish, chocolate.

I am not a big faith person but this clearly is out of my hands and what-ifs do not belong here right now so Its all about faith now. Crazy how that works. I am hopeful. This has been an amazing experience.

See you on Tuesday !

OVUM 17mm

2010-02-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

I apologize for my lack or blog posts last Thursday. I have been dealing with a middle ear infection. Oy, if its not one thing its another. My uncle would say I am am complaining or playing the victim or woes me. I dont want sympathy- I have a ear infection in my middle ear and went to a ENT he did a procedure and well i have to go back in 2 weeks even after taking some crazy steroids. Whatever, this is why we pay an arm and leg for health insurance.

So last Thursday we went to the Dr and were sure she was going to tell us to trigger and then come back on Sat for insemination. Sadly, she didn't. She gave M a ultrasound I think i have been saying sonograms (i am/was wrong). She checked out M's ovaries and the one we can barely see that is hiding behind her uterus is the one producing. It has eggs but they were very small so we have to wait. The Eggs were measuring 10mm and the RE wants them at 20mm to inseminate. So they drew M's blood wich is a feat and a half as she has horrible veins and really no one can draw blood from her. She says she has collapsing veins and I think she has roll away ones. Either way they stick her a lot.

Our RE told us to come back on Monday ( yesterday ) so we did. She did another ultrasound and wow amazing the very difficult egg was measuring at a 17mm. They directed us to do a trigger injection on Wednesday at 9pm in the abdomen or thigh and then we go back on Friday for the insemination. I am so giddy, excited and freaked out. I will post things as they come. M is really worried about the injection but it will be fine. Project Baby is well on its way !

Sorry !

2010-02-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have not been feeling well still with this inner and outter ear infection I am seeing a ENT now .. But we are going to Fertility place this AM so Keep your fingers crossed!

Outta my mind... outta my hands

2010-02-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

I believe this week will be a very big week for us. Insemination is near. M finally finished her clomid and then we go back Thur for a quick sonogram to see EL Eggies! That visit will determine the exact day we inseminate. I am so excited and very scared. Actually I am going outta my mind. Thinking all kinds of things and then I realize that its out of my hands and this I think is the scary part er.. I dunno what part is scary. I do know that I get super excited and all giddy then I get super cautious like my super excited-ness is a bad thing? Weird. Emotional for sure. Then the what if's come ... I am able to seduce them back into the ground where they shall stay. I feel really hopeful though and so for that I say YAHOO!

I believe that M feels the same way. I think her and the hormone medication have come to an understanding. Seems her side effects have lessened. Boy does Thursday seem like a long time from now or what.

I am trying to ask everyone as many questions as possible about everything I can. Like i said outta my mind! Oddly, I have even kinda been e-mailing back n forth with my sister. I know, I know that's huge (well kinda)- Actually to me its not big deal and that is how it shall stay but I need to update you all on it so I guess eventually I'll write about that

This Project Baby is just so big right now that its really is what is taking precedence and priority I cant really deal with the feelings I have about e-mailing my sister.

Swimmers have arrived

2010-02-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

I have tried to take a very medical approach to this whole insemination /fertility things. However it seems so clinical to me. We trying to get this baby started! Looks like we are in luck. M called the RE and told them she stopped taking the Provera and has yet to have a period. They were like well you will prolly not be bleeding much because you had the surgery a 3 weeks ago (yesterday and well they cleaned everything out in the Curettage so nothing to shed.)

The Re checked my wife's uterus and and eggs said everything looked great. Cervice dilation still a success.
We received a prescription for Clomid they gave us a voucher for 3 free fills (NICE) and then we go back on Thursday for another ultrasound! They are going to prescribe us with a trigger injectable. M is freaking out hates needles and such the mere smell of rubbing alcohol makes her wanna pass out. I'll do it for her (its about time my phlebotomy and Medial schooling come in handy)

If all goes according to plan we will hopefully inseminate Valentines day weekend. The irony in that and oh the romanticism.

I am so excite giddy really... moving forward. However, that comes with the detrimental thoughts of what if it does not stick ! We have to be positive ..OKAY .. and we are for the most part. Ahhh.. so I am gonna wait on my wife's every whim and be super duper nice try not to upset her. These hormones are killing me i can only imagine what they are doing to her.

I think when prescriptions come with side effect warning that the person taking the pill shoudl not know about them. The mere power of suggestion can cause things to go berserk!

Crimson River or Aunt Flow

2010-02-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to think where I left off last. I know it's only been 6 days. Well M stopped taking the Provera Medication on Thursday. This Medicine was stopping her from getting her period. Her last day was Thursday and on Saturday she has some spotting. Woohoo I know right- So happy to see blood. She was still spotty on Sunday and well Monday not so much. Annoying! She and I have never been so excited and or anticipating a period so much in either one of our lives. We are on a constant cheer for "Aunt Flow" and waiting patiently for the "Crimson River".

Makes me realize how as teens when we got our period we are so naive and know so little of really whats going on. Perhaps if I knew now what I know about Menstruation and period and ovulation then I would be much more appreciative of "AUNT FLOW" and her monthly visits.

I keep trying to tell myself dont think about it, dont ask M about it cuz then it will never happen. Kinda like a watched pot never boils type of deal. Either than or one day soon M is just gonna start pouring blood like that poor Girl Carrie from that Horror movie. Sorry I cant help it The Project Baby is always on my mind. If I am not reading about things then I am deciding how to decorate and or going through a slough of other thoughts. I need the Jewish mysticism to kick in now. The Mysticism that tells you its a shandeh (shame in yiddish) to think about these things and talk about things.

Well, we are still waiting and now I find myself researching the wonderful web on how to induce a period naturally ! Ha-Ha

Happy ...Scared SHIT

2010-01-28T09:21:00.001-08:00

We went to our Post-op and were basically given the all clear! HOOORAY for us !!! The Dr. went over things she did it the operation explained pictures to us. It was a very exciting but dull appointment. Then this other women comes in the room with us and glides a piece of paper over which stated how much things will coast. Kinda what we expected but not really. (in my head I hear the ACME sound when a cartoon sees a hot woman AWOOGA AWOOGA and I felt my eyes pop outta my head) We don't have many choices at this point and saved !

My wife and I look at each other and we say READY .. Of course were ready for this baby, of course were ready.. We are just not ready to give up all our money. I guess that part will never be easy. This particular plan did not allow for any refund which was a lil annoying. Say you purchase the 2 insemination which is a lil less than the 1 (they give you a break). If you get preggo on the first insemination of the 2 purchased you dont get your money back from the second ! I think that is a rip off and it is. But what are we going to do, WE ARE READY, WE WANT THIS BABY!

As soon as we got home we ordered our sperm from the sperm bank. It was a emotional day, We are so excited but it quickly gets washed out by the amount of money we spent. Thank goodness we have been saving. I was so nervous to place that call with the sperm bank ... and double checking everything. I was come over with last min second guessing. I was A-OK with this donor had it set then the feeling of is this right, is this ok.... Asked my wife and she yells YES!!!!!!

So we did it. Sperm is ordered now we wait till her cycle starts and then pay for the insemination. It was busy day yesterday ... and I was tossing an turning about it all night. So HAPPY, SO EXCITED but Scared Shit !

TORN

2010-01-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my Happy Birthday! It was great fun good food a ton of birthday messages on my Facebook and in box and cards in the mail. A deliciously wicked cake baked by my wife!

Now that my Birthday has come and gone we have my wife's POST OP visit. I am hoping everything is healing well and the Fertility doctor will say stop taking the provera
(a progesterone hormone that stops menstruation) and then she will start her cycle and get clomid and thus the INSEMINATIONS will begin.

I am little torn about this though. Ya see if we do insemination now and get pregnant then the baby will be born in 2010. This is good because with the surgery she just had and insurance we have met our deductible (we have a PPO) so this means that if said baby is born this year its birth will essentially be covered by insurance. Well, I really like the fact that we will not have to pay any additional fees. That being said I am frightened at the the fact of having a baby in NOV and DEC. Okay, calm down let me explain.

Gay families get to practically choose everything from donor characteristics. This process is a plan that is well thought out unlike heterosexual people. We have to think weather or not we want children and and then think how we will obtain this and who will be our donor and who will carry. So my thought is, that we have put all this thought in to having a child why cant we plan out when its born (We can) Well try to at least decide what month it will be born. My wife and I have a lil issue with Scorpios (the sign) and well My wife's b day is on or a day before or after Thanksgiving and from previous blog you can see her anxiety, hate and distaste. The next month is Dec and early December is great but Hanukkah can get in the way later is too close to Christmas and well I don't want another Holiday to interfere with my family (that must sound terrible) I just know the issues my wife has. Not to mention the Scorpio thing.

I dont know much about Astrology and signs .. it is a lesbian thing though a lot of women who are gay seem to have this Astrology thing going on .. My wife kinda has it.... like i said I dunno ... but i know what she tells me about Scorpios and I have seen her friend who are Scorpio and I know that I have a father and sister who are LEO's and have a hard time with them being an Aquarius. .. Okay I know this sounds ridiculous!!! I know ... but if we hold off the baby can be born in JAN in 2011 and have its own Birthday not under the pressure of another Holiday and but we would have to meet our deductible .

I know Crazy right !!! WHat can say I'm an over thinker!

All over the place

2010-01-21T07:42:00.000-08:00

I am counting down the days for my wife's post-op appointment. I am so excited for the Project Baby. I found new resources and books to read. I also joined some yahoo groups they are mainly for pregnant lesbians ( more for my wife) than me but when resources are limited sometimes you need to just jump right in. Still trying to find blogs, groups and the like for non-bio moms and pregnant butches even though I am not pregnant. I am feel ass though I am all over the place with this. From thinking of names, to nursery design, to the OH shit factor and clothe vs. non cloth diapers. I know, I know .. I am all over the place I am just so excited, scared and everything in between.

My wife schlepped me to an Estate planning meeting held by the Human Rights Campaign. Oddly, i have been all about this prior to her surgery and really thinking about if and when Baby-cakes comes ( we have not even inseminated yest). I am not naive or anything, I am a realist and a part-time fatalist ( hey, I am working on that).

I realize we have to act swiftly and prepare all this stuff and how important it is. Just more hoops we homos have to jump though to ensure we get treated like half a person. Moreover , I realize the many dollar signs that come with this "Estate Planning" i put it in quote cuz Estate is so fancy and well we are more along the lines of "Shack Planning" we dont own yet and our assets well we dont really have those. A set of pearls and the wife's wedding ring and the rest is sentimental stuff I suppose. OK so maybe that just the estate part and there is the durable power of attorney and the Medical directive and this and that and that and more of this.

We both agree its important for us to do this and we realize it more to protect our child/children. We keep saying well if anything shoudl GOD FORBID happen my mom wouldn't and well my family is cool but push comes to shove we have no idea what will happen. Just as I truly believe there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. From what I have seen you try to be nice and sweet after all this is someone you LOVED and CARED for ...Nope MESSY MESSY MESSY.

We heard really great things from The Attorneys that spoke and some Big HRC wig also spoke. Learned a lot i didn't know. Like Nevada does allow second parent adoptions and China, Guatemala and another place makes you sign a disclaimer when adopting stating your not a lesbian or gay therefore you can not Domestic Partner. Most compelling for me was that the Family Attorney said that in his office they know what judge to use because there are Judges in NV that will not side for the GLBT community. Umm.. wait just a minute .. Judges aren't they supposed to be impartial and non bias( ok maybe that was a lil naive). I know this but really for a family attorney to spout thins at a HRC meeting on LGBT Estate Planning.

Ok well I think I will go back to looking at Cribs and strollers and cloth vs. regular diapers. But I will also look up some will and research stuff like that as well. It needs to be done.

Project Baby in full Force

2010-01-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

The wife had her surgery 6 days ago. She is doing well, sleeping a lot. I am not sure if she is generally tired or if it is pain med induced, either way she had a pretty invasive surgery.

We see the Fertility Dr on the 27th two days after my Birthday. If everything is healing well and the Wife's recovery is on point then The PROJECT BABY is well on its way.

While she was laid up we watched a ton of movies, THANK GOODNESS FOR NETFLIX! We watched two movies that were really great and also gave us some insight to our process. "Making Grace" is wonderful Movie about a Lesbian couple who is on the path to having a baby. It was wonderful watching knowing that our thoughts and freak outs and concerns are some of the same and/or similar to other people in this process. ( Tammy Stoner if you are reading this you need to thwart your talents this way and make an updated version with more people and diversity you can call it Project Baby !)
The next movie we watched lead me down a path I am still unsure about. The wife wants a home birth or natural birth. I love the concept of it but with the medical background I have it scares me. We watched The Rikki Lake film "Business of Being Born" and it was astounding! Once we are in the swing of things I am sure there will be a blog about Home birth vs. Hospital. I'm really torn and if you watch teh movie you see the irony with Abby.

I am lil bummed because there are not many books on lesbians and conceiving and moreover there are not book on butch women and babies and I have found tons of fertility sites but nothing geared at Lesbian women and certainly nothing geared to even straight men let alone Butch women. I am so the talker and question asker- I need a group of like people to connect to. I talk to my wife but its even a dynamic that she may not understand.

Well I suppose now that PROJECT BABY is in full effect things are going to come outta the woodwork and issues and ill preparedness and questions and all sorts of EXCITING Things!

Really this baby making stuff is all that is on my mind... I'm kinda obsessed and I am not even the one who is getting pregnant !

SURGERY

2010-01-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

woo hoo ... yesterday was surgery day !

It was nerve racking for sure. We hurried up to wait basically. The hospital even called us because we were running a bit late but then again so were they and not just a bit how about a hour.

there were several other people in the waiting pre-opp room. We all stared glazed over looking at the new about Haiti. Its terrible... and then i was feeling a tad claustrophobic and crap we are all breathing in each others carbon dioxide and ewwww..
I sometime over think over analyze and basically freak. So a man came in and I could just tell by what he was wearing that he was having surgery so, I jumped up and gave him my seat, besides i am gonna be sitting for 4 hours.

They call the wife in but tell me to STAY BACK... then what seems like a lifetime they call me back in. We just chit chatted, talked about the white light and how NOT TO GO TO IT and if she feels compelled to then don't stay long and say hello to all the loved ones we lost. Sometimes you have to just joke- it oddly made us feel better. They asked the wife the same questions over and over again she looked so helpless and cute in her hospital gown and DAMN those things are stiff as all get out. The Dr. finally came updated us on yet another delay and told us how she was starving .. umm HI, and so are we ... finally they take her in 2hrs later.

SO I waited and walked around the parking lot and got fresh air and paced text everyone the update and phoned a few friends and family. I was in a conversation about insurance with my uncle and then saw the Dr. I was surprised and it seemed like she just went in. The Dr. gave me pictures of my wife's parts her liver and ovaries and tubes... it was amazing. She said everything went well ! WOO HOO I was saying in my head....I said thank you and she went about her next surgery.

The hospital was a lil taken back that We were married and the nurse had a tough time with it but nothing outwardly malicious.

The OR nurse called and said she was just waking up and it will be about an hour before i can see her ... but it was only like 30 min if that. I went back and walked in and gave her a hug n kiss and asked tons of questions which she had no clue how to answer cuz she was out and groggy. I told her I had pictures and she was all confused and I showed her and then her eye opened wide ...an she said Ohhh!

Then another nurse helped her to the bathroom I helped her get dressed and they wheeled her to the car.

Our Drive home was funny My wife still drugged was talking nonsense and saying weird things she was insisting that i have my head lights on.

The sky was amazing on the way home it just rained so the there were clouds some dark some very yellow orange ( we call it pretty light time ) and some powdery fluff and the most beautiful rainbow it was just straight prolly the end of a rainbow but it was backwards... purple, blue, green, orange, yellow, red...

and we got home and I made soup and jello ...

and then I put her to bed and Project Baby starts again !

Pre- Op hell

2010-01-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, Yesterday was hell .. well for me at least. We went to see the Dr. she gave us the info we needed for The Wife's surgery this WEDNESDAY and then we had to do all the pre-op stuff. You already know my feelings on it. Freaks me out. As much as I am a medicine/medical buff and love knowing things... I dislike Hospitals very much.

As a child I remember being at hospitals regularly. My Grandfather has had several open heart surgeries (like 5 of them) He was so scared that one of the bypasses he had to have his chest packed with sugar because there was too much scar tissue and they could not sew him closed. This was Amazing to me, but i hate hospitals

Anyhow, I am not sure exactly what my issue with Hospitals are i also feel this way about most Dr. offices and clinics and bathrooms a lil phobic.

Okay so the Dr. tells us the complications, I ask a ton of questions and oddly I ask them of the Dr. and she always turns to my wife and answers. I asked my wife if she thought this was odd and she agreed. Back to the complications she did not mention anything too serious just said she can accidentally poke a hole in her uterus ... Oh that's it, is what I am thinking to myself... Just a hole hmm.. Uhhh wait don't we need the uterus for our child that we are trying to make hence the surgery ...YEAH!
She went on to saying the uterus will heal if she does poke it and everything should be fine. My wife is gonna get the Michael Jackson stuff (that whats the Dr called it) we all made comments and chuckled. I felt so much better after talking to her.

After our visit with the Dr. we had to go to THE HOSPITAL to do the pre-opp there.

Neither one of us ate our appointment was at 11 with the Dr. and then after we went to THE HOSPITAL at about 12ish. We signed in and WAITED and WAITED and WAITED... an hour and half later they call us ... Just to fill out paper work and have the wife do a urine and blood test. The waiting was killer for me and my wife was waiting next to me. What the hell is it gonna be like on WED when I am all alone waiting for 4 hours. I paced, I shook I rocked and paced again.. Then they called our name .. I ran so fast to the counter.

After we filled all the necessary paper they gave her a fancy plastic white ID bracelet on her wrist ... and she isn't even gonna be there for another 2 days. i though it was odd... She signed on every line possible added the date and then we were pushed off to the next area where I have to wait another 30-45 min for her to get a blood draw and urine test. I thanked Baby Jesus and his conglomerates, Moses, Allah , Buddha and the resat of the gang for my phones Facebook Capabilities. I call my mom to pass the time and then my wife send me a text from the other room. Damn , I think too bad she will be out during surgery otherwise we could chat.

Finally she walks out ....so 3 hours later we finally leave and were starved ok FAMISHED....

I hope I don't kill anyone on WEDNESDAY- as the waiting creates this impatience that makes everyone you encounter ANNOYING even after you leave the hospital.

Overwhelmed ... just a bit

2010-01-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

My wife is having surgery next week. This Babymaking project is starting to get a bit on my nerves. As my wife says, "why can't things just be easy for once."

We saw the fertility Dr on the Monday and she tried to do some test but was unable. My wife's cervix is apparently very closed. So she will need surgery to dilate her cervix.

I am not one for Doctor not a big fan. As medically obsessed as I am I dont like going to the Drs and I dont like being in hospitals. I am freaking out here. I am really trying to be strong for my wife and trying to be as supportive and positive as I can be but I am really freaked out. I will be sitting in a waiting room freaking out. I know I am holding her hand and I am great at that.. but who supports the supporter. I asked my mom if she would come just to keep me company and well she has to work.

I know everything will be fine and i hoping this as well. But in the back of my mind realist/fatalist is here saying hey...This is a big thing this could become more serious, there is serious risk. I know this ... there are complication that may occur. I could loose my wife and that little percentage is killing me and frightening. I just can not handle that. I'm a complete and utter wuss with that. Who picks me up from that ... and I cant dare say anything to my wife.

I read the books about power of attorney and Medical advocate and we should have done the paperwork even though we are married legally in CA (grandfathered in sorta ) DAMN PROP 8 hater. Can the hospital refuse me, could her parents decide to step in an shut me out? My brain is throwing out every possible situation. Life insurance, how are we going to afford this, whats it even going to cost... SHIT why did I buy so many Christmas presents.

Clearly you can see I am freaking out... I need a support system..because my support system is going to have surgery.

I have been an emotional wreck 1.) there is a humongous amount of hormones in the air they are pumping my wife chalk full of them and somehow I am being affected and she is super irritable and hormonal. I am trying to tread lightly I really am. 2.) my brain is just spewing and I am strong for her but wish she knew how I felt; alone at the moment. 3.) my wife is having surgery

Oy .... i try to remember to breathe

Crazy Coincidence

2010-01-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well Happy New Year Friend. Hoping 2010 is prosperous, fertile and Happy for everyone.

I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Though I am a realist and often a fatalist I do believe that eventually the reason will peak its head up- yeah it may take a while.

On December 31 209 the wife and I ventured to the fertility place again for a Vaginal ultrasound and blood work. It was a busy day there lots of couples mainly hetero ones and we saw one woman and her husband/partner being given a gift bag and being released to a OBGYN ... Congratulations your pregnant ! It was a good Day. We also call another couple who seemed to be very joyfull.

The Ultrasound went well the Dr. says my wife has lots of good looking eggs ... however there was a few questionable things like a polyp and a possible cyst. SO we discussed a few things and it sounds like surgery. Nothing super bad easily fixed and very common from what I hear. For the record... the idea of surgery and my wife really freaks me out. I cant tell her cuz I am supposed to be super supportive but who is gonna support me. Did I mention I am freaking out.

Anyhow, we got gugssied up and feasted on New Years Eve at the M hotel and had so much seafood and a truck load of Crab Legs, wine and beer ( all you can drink) We were feeling good and really full. It was so packed we could not even get on a slot machine. We were walking around the hotel aimlessly and a nice handsome black gentleman came up to us and said, "Hey did'nt I see you guys at the fertility clinic this AM." We engaged in a short conversation and he told us they were pregnant with twins ...SO, I rubbed his arm for good luck ( we need all the help ) My wife was like Oh my god you rubbed his arm, twins ..

Now what are the chances that we would run in to a guy from the Fertility clinic which I will say is not close to our house certainly not as close at the M hotel.

Everything Happens for a reason.

Period !

2009-12-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well My wife finally receive her period. Funny she was so upset she did not get at and wanting it so bad yes she got it and is now saying how she is crampy and ugh..
Something I am sure we can all relate to wanting something and then getting it but not wanting it at that point.

What this means now is she will go through a series of 2 trans-vaginal ultrasounds and some crazy dye test to see the function of her fallopian tubes and then hopefully then we can inseminate. Funny thing is heterosexual couples just keep trying and trying for a baby and we have to subject our self to lots of spending and sometimes painful tests. I think I would have just rathered inseminating minus the testing but also see that it could be quite wasteful of our precious money we saved. Especially if it did not work.

I am super happy she has her period and well she is super uncomfortable. She took a hot bath and i told her to go out and get a massage and I made her dinner. I figured she is gonna get pregnant soon so she better get used to it, my cooking that is. I am certainly not a kitchen maven like her. She can cook and just make shit up and it taste great! We have a long hard road ahead of us!

I'm also feeling a lil sad today as I miss my family and my extended family and all their kids. Being back to see everyone during Christmas made me realize how much I love that hanging out mode and just visiting.

Well, time to rest up my throat is scratchy and I need to get rest and feel better big day tomorrow .. back to the fertility Dr with the wife! I wish it was not called fertility .. I mean she is supposed to be fertile and we are not infertile I just dont have sperm but i find being grouped with the infertile offensive- Not that being infertile is bad but ya know..

It's Over

2009-12-29T09:38:00.000-08:00

Despite my grumbling I survived Christmas. It was easy, I had two and a half bottled of bubbly as my crutch. THANKS THE LORD BABY JESUS! Oh and there was no praying !!!

I was nice and pretty much on my best behavior. I smiled and made small talk with most except for my wife's brother's current wife. I just glared at her with complete and utter disgust.

We went about Christmas business as normally as we could even though Christmas for they past 8 years has been in the AM for us.

What really got my goat was that my wife's Brother did not do anything for her for Christmas. I could not believe it ? I am still so annoyed with that. I understand hardship during Christmas and how it gets expensive. But for BABY Jesus' sake print out a damn picture of your kids and stick it in a cheap frame you cheap SOB !

Somehow we managed to get gifts for everyone and we are barely surviving on one income. We even left Sunny California for a cheaper alternative!

Well, onward to the New Year !

PS. blogs will be written twice a week Tuesday and Thur unless MWF work out better for me!

Lost their Balls

2009-12-25T09:41:00.000-08:00

Recently I have notice an onslaught of married men who have lost their Balls. (or have their balls tied around their neck)

It's amazing to me to see this and i realized that its usually is a family trend. In my family the trend on my Dad side is a ton of us are gay. Go figure? On my Dad's side there are at least for confirmed gay people a brother and sister and distant cousin and myself and who know there are some other characters that I would believe to be gay but have no confirmation. Amazing right !

OK but back on to the balls. I know a family I am related to by proxy and the Husband is or was a sweet guy very built a active fella who was down to earth. Who am I kidding its my wife's Brother. He and I used to have a good relationship. After he had his first son I saw something change in him. A light that he used to be filled with shut off. I guess I witnessed him being castrated oh I am so sad for him now.

They were visiting us when we only lived an hour or so away. He and his wife and their new baby. He was roughhousing with the baby and well the baby fell and got a bloody nose and boy did his wife read him the riot act. She grilled in to him so bad in front of everyone that was there mind you and tore him a new one. She yelled at him so bad that she actually made him cry. That day my poor brother in law lost his balls. His man hood was stripped from him in a matter of seconds. She took his light away.

This has been a reoccurring theme from my BIL his wife directs him tells him who he is allowed to hang out with and what he is and is not allowed to do. Its a shame. But I was noticing there are similar issues like this within my wife's family and a few of the men are unics and ruled by their wives.

BIL where ever you are please know that I hope you grow your balls back or at least are able to unwind them from around your neck and find your light again. I miss you!

CHRIST mas!

2009-12-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

Last year I had an incident with my wife's family. I posted something ambiguous on face book with out any names. It was something in relation to my status being about selfish people, something to the tone of I dislike selfish people.

I was asked via facebook by my BIL what I meant by that. I proceeded to answer HIS question on facebook and tell him how I felt about him saying that I believed he was selfish. He and his wife changes a bunch of plans for Christmas causing my wife and my MIL to be upset. Both were mopey and no one was willing to say how it was. I am a say how it is kinda person, I think you can tell this by now from my blog. Anyhow seeing my wife upset kills me es specially this time in particular we had a tough year me in particular. I was laid off and we needed to move to another state to save money and we lost our cat and grandfather.

Apparently my SIL who I was very close friends with and was privy to information that most were not regarding my wife's family she did not have the best relationship with our inlaws. But she took it upon herself to copy my facebook post to her husband and call my MIL up and tell her what I said . Again what I said was my perspective and she misconstrued that information in translation. I was squared with my BIL he said he appreciated my hoest and was glad we could talk.

Anyhow after mt SIL ran her crazy mouth off to my MIL my MIL send me a HELLACIOUS email letter saying how I am no longer part of the family and Blah blah blah .. This really took me by surprise and hurt me. Hurt me so much because like a fool I put my wife's family before my own thinking they were better and kinder. I know Lesson LEARNED. After several months my MIF finally kinda apologized but i have never felt comfortable again like I did. She really hurt my feelings and said vicious and very mean and hurtful things.

Anyhow, Christmas last year was horrible and this years is not looking so hot either. I will be making the best of it. There will be drinks to be had and I will have many and there will be presents galore for my wife and then after the grin and bear I will spend time with people who are dear to me.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Holiday. Oh and should I need you I will reach out for TEXT support!

WISH ME LUCK . and just in case I have Valium!

hold over head

2009-12-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

I have noticed that people with young children in their family tend to use there children as bait. My parents have two children and it seems that my sister with her kids usually take president. I also noticed this more so with my wife's brother and his children. It seems that since they have children they can do as they please, meaning that if dinner is at 5 they can say well the kids, blah blah blah kids.. and dinner will be at 2.

For the past 7 years we have always done Christmas at my wife's parents house. We wake up early (wife can sleep till 3m ) 10 to her is early ! We would wake up early and her brothers family would come over early and we would have a brunch. My FIL is an amazing cook AMAZING! So we eat chill and then when we are stuffed to the gills we do presents under the tree and then stocking stuffers. It was fun and warming. After our time we would go hang out with my wife's second family .

Well ever since last year my BIL and his wife has changed things around. Quite frankly it sucks. He changed it all around because now he has kids and well his wife's family is divorced ergo she has to attend 2 Christmas's with her family and she does not seem to have much regard for his family and well we ( my wife and I) have to take the back seat or so it seems. The kids need to nap or we wanna do our own tradition at out house... which I get but you wake up at 5am to do Christmas at your house (or that's what you say ) and well you cant drive 30min to your Husbands family's House like you did every year prior and do brunch and Christmas with his family ! Because what happened is my MIL and FIL end up going to there house to see the kids (my wife and I just sit and have to wait for everyone!)
You'll be back home by 2 and your children which you Taunt the grandparents with can finally nap!

Its not like we live right around the corner anymore we are traveling from 4hrs away but we don't have a child yet to use as a pawn to get our way and manipulate the situations.

I just don't get that. Why do parents who become Grandparents send there kids who dont have children to the back of the bus.

Thats Not My Name

2009-12-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

In reading all these baby books to better prepare myself I stumbled upon a section in a Gay and Lesbian baby book (there are way too few of those). The book talks about names specifically what the child will call its parents. In a hetero family its easy Mom is Mom or a derivative of and Dad is well Dad. Easy right. Well as much as I would love for my child to call me Dad (I am more male Identified than I am female) I know that would be uber confusing to a child and well I am not sure how that would go over at school.

The book says we should figure this out because otherwise it will be confusing. So far the only thing I find confusing is what to call me. We will both be the child's mother. My wife will be a Bio Mom as she will carry the little bugger. My wife, thinks that the child will decide who is what and what our names will be. I can see some issues if were were to both be MOMMY? It can get really confusing when the kid yells mommy. I know many who say the kids will decide but I am the NEED TO KNOW GUY. Although my with my recent cancer scare I preferred not to know (I'm fine mp cancer) Just like I need to know what sex the baby is ? It make me less anxious I suppose.

We though of a whole bunch of names, my wife suggests IMA which in Hebrew is Mother and quite suiting as my Dad is fluent in Hebrew and was born is Israel and I speak very little but under stand more. But, it reminds me of him, see he calls his mother Ima and so I guess the word association is a lil weird. I dont know why, I love my Dad and I love my Grandmother. Weird. Then we though of just MA ... which is also suitable being that my parents grew up in New York and well the attitude and such that New Yorkers have and all that Jazz but makes me think its too Jersey ...and Mama J wich I like but seems a lil too Ethnic for me - amazing that any other letter sounds better than J following MAMA...

This name discussion is a weekly thing and I only let it rack my brain once a week guess today is that day. If i did not curb it I would be waking up at 3 in the morning freaking out and what my kid is gonna relate to others Hetero Nuclear Families

Not Happy Period

2009-12-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

SO we wait and wait and well My wife does not get her period this month. She went to the Dr. on Monday and they took 16 ( she said she stopped counting) vials of blood. They prescribed her a medication that will induce her period. Its basically a hormone pill Progesterone I believe.

She has been taking these pills for a few days and well, I am worried that if this is any indication of how she will be when she is pregnant then I have a long road ahead of me. So emotional but more a raging B****. My goodness stand back. She says it makes her feel like bit-y in the morning. She is not kidding. Super moody and irritable more irritable than moody I say but wow. I am not sure how we will enjoy this together but I am trying.

Amazing how the medicine has advanced to help people with all sorts o problems. Fertility being one of them.

I have feelings

2009-12-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

I am utterly annoyed! I know your saying NOT AGAIN ! Ya see.. I am Jewish though its not a religious thing for me its more of a cultural thing. None the less I am Jewish!

It gets my goat that my wife usually always (i need to choose my words wisely here) usually never wishes me a a Happy Hannukkah or gets me a Hannukkah card well not just Hannukkah but any Jewish holiday for that matter. I only observe and celebrate the High Holidays but those are the ones that mean the most to me! But I say Merry Christmas and I remember to get gifts and or cards and all that Santa stuff. I am also really bother because her Family (mom in particular) does the same thing. She has yet to wish me a Happy Hannukkah or any other Jewish Holiday. Surely to her my MIL its just another day. I will say she made me a nice Christmas Stocking with a Hannukah theme. Thats right its the only Blue and white Stocking in their mantel that has a menorah ans Star of David. The gesture was very nice, I am just sorry it had to be unveiled last year when we were going through a bunch of turmoil. BUT, as much as I appreciate it it is for Christmas.

Just as Christmas for me was once just another day but since I have been with my wife I celebrate with her and I make a conscious effort to wish her a Happy Easter, a Merry Christmas etc. I mean if I dont say Merry Christmas I'm an asshole right? If I dont get my wife a Christmas Present I am an asshole?

It just really bothers me that I(we) send her family Christmas cards and the like but most forget to reciprocate Hannukah wishes to me. Though friends send me Christmas Cards but I know its an over site and it bothers me but not as much.

My family remembers My wife's Birthday and Christmas and send her wishes, or buys her a gift. Yet I can't say the same for my wife's family. Yeah, it kinds hurts. I'll get a birthday gift once in a while if remembered. I'm not worried about the gifts its not about gifts its just about being acknowledged.

Now that I just griped I have to say that this year though prompted my wife did make me my Fav Hanukkah treat Sufganiyot its an Israeli jelly donuts. But, i just want her to one day do something like a surprise maybe. For instance, last year or the year before I went out bought a fake lil xmas tree decorated it with all blue n white balls and it was awesome and she was kinda surprised (she does not show much emotion its a family thing) but it was awesome or so I thought and my good neighbor friend even thought it was so adorable. I guess I am a hopeless romantic in this sense. I spent a lot of money on ornaments and the like but that not issue its the fact that I knew it would make her happy and I totally jive on making her happy.

I'm happy too but once in a while I would just like to be acknowledged. Hmm I an not sure if I am getting my point across its not just regular acknowledgment it Holiday Acknowledgments maybe .. I dunno, but what I do know is that it hurts me sometimes.

Choose your family.

2009-12-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

Oy ... I am sure your excited to read this post. I'm sure I'll get flack from my family and my wife's family. I have had the unfortunate experience of being the second born. That's right many of you are gasping and thinking what... you never said you had a sister, well I do... well biologically speaking yes my mother had two children two girls 1 year and 5 month apart (my wife says that is why we do not get along )

My sister and I were NEVER close never! As an adult I am not sure how we were even cut from the same loin - but we were. Complete polar opposites like magnets when put together that repels each other that is what and how we are. I always thought my parents loved her more and payed more attention to her. She was the dancer, cheerleader and the scholar and now the Lawyer. I was just there causing havoc and grief being the "free spirited one" as mom says. Now that I am in my thirties my thought about my parents doting on my sister and loving her more and tending to her more I now realize I was dead on, sadly. I have come to terms with it.When we became estranged my mom had a hard time with it. I understood her perspective as its her two daughters well her daughter and ME (I dont think i fit in to the daughter category more like daughter son category) My mom has two sisters and well perhaps she though they all had a wonderful relationship but what i know of it, it was on again off again. I was sympathetic and I tried to explain to my mom that I just dont need to be judged by my "SISTER" and that I dont like being belittled and made to feel less than. Her Lawyer status makes her think everyone is guilty in my perspective and that most people with the exception of her friends are beneath her. Her words of wisdom to me while I was in college were 1.) Mom and Dad dont get education they barely graduated High school so dont expect anything from them and all they are good for is paying for things. 2.) My philosophy in life is to do what I have to and step on who I have to to get to the top ! I totally do not subscribe to this - I was standing with my mouth wide open for like an hour after I heard that. I am a bleeding heart, I have a heart of gold.. I step on no one and always put myself last ... GULP ....and ok so education was not a big whoop to my parents and they come from a different time ... but geez RESPECT something Law School did'nt teach her obviously.

After our falling out almost four years ago I choose to no longer have a sister certainly not one like that . I see friends who have awesome relationships with their sibling and I am usually in Awe of them but just the mere sight/though of "my sister" (i refer to her only by name in my daily life if she happens to come up as if she was an acquaintance I knew on High school or something) I cringe and just have a horrible taste in my mouth. I have tried to reconcile and had made attempts but nothing has come of it. I have great friends who are more like family to me than some of my own. So I believe that you can choose family and this BS about blood and blood line is a crock of shit.

I think choosing your family is a viable option. Especially now that I am in the process of trying to start my own family which is not nuclear in the Mother/father sense. I know the most important thing is to have people around me, my wife and soon to be child are people who love us for us and who can accept us for what and who we are. I am all about letting people slip out of my life if they do not enrich me in some way and certainly if they cause me more harm than good. Positive living if you will well at least in my mind. Life passes to quickly to try to play the game and appease. My child will have an AUNT to fill my sisters place and I have a substitute for her as well.

Happy Period

2009-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

This baby making process is really something. From choosing donors to deciding characteristics and down to what month we want the baby in so many options and choices. It really nerve racking.

Right now we are in the lets make sure the wife does and can have a baby part of the process. This means that she has tons of blood drawn and taken. They do a complete blood work up looking for Hiv, STD and diabetes and a sleuth of other stuff. Asside from that we have to wait for her to get her period and then she has to go for more test and several internals. Yikes.. They have to do a internal while she is menstruating. It's not bad enough that women have to go to the Gyno but if your are trying to get pregnant and you are having fertility issues such as your wife is a dyke ergo no sperm and or you actually have fertility issues then you have to have the displeasure of having a internal while on your cycle. I said to the DR. I rather deal with Dead people any day than do that ... and she joked back saying anything below the belt is fine and blood was no issue for her. Well I love blood n guts too but Menstrual blood is different than spurting atrial blood or even decomp blood.

My poor wife. Will have to have internal ultra sounds and then a flushing of her cervix and then a test where they go though the cervix and insert dye to see if her fallopian tubes are working. All this with in days of each other. All during menses.

Oddly, we have never been more excited for her to get her period. I used to get annoyed at those horrible tampon and kotex commercial that claim and use the tagline "Happy Period." It was so annoying .. and now we have never been so excited and happy for her to have her period. We are waiting patiently and I am sure will be jumping for joy when she does! The human body is amazing what it can do and the capabilities it has.

SO we hope everyone has a HAPPY PERIOD we know SHE WILL!

Christmas Already

2009-12-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Oh dear its X-mas already. Ugg. Its so filled with joy and happiness and all things red and green(personally i think the worst color combination ever) and eggnog and bad white beards and that meshpucha (family in yiddish) and the manger and all the Chotchkies you could possibly imagine. All I know about Christmas is what i have learned from my past girlfriends who were not Jewish and feeling left out in grade school and everything in between which I learned from my wife and her family and friends.

Honestly, God had a plan for me... for sure he made me Jewish for a reason. Trimming a tree is fun and wrapping is fun but OY what a mess that tree makes and the ornaments. Just seems like a hassle on occasions and it seems that many people dread it. What really gets my goat is the music. Boy Oh Boy - even the most Christmasy of Christmas people get annoyed with those songs! I prefer a BAD CHRISTMAS SWEATER over a Christmas song any day.

I suppose my recent falling out with my wife's family well really with my wife's sister in law has kinda forced me to re-evaluate the Christmas conundrum. I have pretty much gotten over that and realize I don't have to have anything to do with her except on those special occasions so I'm good. Last Christmas I drank almost 3 bottles of champagne on a pretty empty stomach so Christmas was great regardless of what happened. I was recently told by a friend who has a SIL that she does not jive with or as she puts it her least fav SIL she recommended a few Klonopin. Its comforting knowing that I am not the only one who has this problem.

GRIN AND BARE GRIN AND BARE!

HAPPY HANUKKAH ALL!

Near Death

2009-12-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

...Oh crap i think to myself and SAY out loud through the window BABE! She looks at me with a scare in her eyes and a small smile one her face as the truck is skidding towards her. The truck was just inches away from hitting her car and nearly killing her. The huge white truck hits the tiny lil curb that separated the North Bound and South Bound traffic. He recovers and skids the opposite direction just missing her. It was raining and he made a turn and prolly skidded due to the rain. She looked at me right after he recovered and nearly missed her and she said .. I almost died, you almost watched me die.

This happened at 4:30 pm yesterday. My wife and I were taking back the rental car we used to travel back to Los Angeles. I was in the lane next to her. We had our windows down and we were at a red light talking. I was just telling her that she needs to get a new cell phone because she lost hers and I was driving and had a vision that god forbid something happened no one would be able to get a hold of her. Then the WHITE TRUCK started skidding straight for her.

We caught our breath and got over the shock of her almost being obliterated. As I continued my now extremely cautious drive to the rental place tons of th9ought were flooding my head. My heart was heavy and i began to think about what I would do or how I would feel. I was overcome with emotion.

What if I had watched my wife die? Sitting in a car next to hers and watching a truck take her out. What would I do. How would I carry on and that image of her and the accident itself would be ingrained in my head. Shit !

I picked her up at the rental place and she get in to my car and she said. "Oh my god you almost watched me die." it was in that moment that I realized that I would not be able to carry on with out her. It was that very second that I felt the most intense love for her that I ever had. It was that moment that I realized that watching your wife or anyone for that matter die so suddenly in front of your own eye must be the worse possible torture that life can throw at you.

Wow - This makes for a very depressing blog and I am not one for saying live each day like its your last and cherish all those around you and blah blah blah ... But holy crap ! I love my wife so... much so much and in that moment I realized I take her for granted sometimes I'm not the nicest and well all relationships have there issues but I now appreciate our relationship more and I appreciate her more.

Excited but Nervous

2009-12-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my wife and I had a very important appointment with the Fertility Doctor.
We are in THE PROCESS of trying to have a baby! Its kinda cool being gay and getting to pick and choose donors, qualities, dates we want the baby born and such.

So we met with this new Doctor to see if we like her and check out the facility so we can start THE PROCESS. I am super excited but also very nervous. I get nervous because queer families, same-sex families get a bit of flack because people are not used to seeing it. That goes for Doctors as well. When we called the facility they automatically assume my wife was hetero and asked how long we have been trying. She laughed and said trust me lady we have been trying, It aint gonna happen!

I always get nervous because I am butch and obviously gay as my mom puts it and well my wife just looks like a woman and her gayness does not scream out. (this annoys her sometimes) Apparently, as soon as I step out side people can just "tell " I'm a dyke Well everyone except for my friend Norma Jean knew.

I don't get upset if people mistake me for a dude and it only bothers me sometimes when i am referred to as a female pronoun. I cant stand Ma'am ugg.. but at a Doctors office i expect them to be professional and sensitive to the clients/patients they have. This place had written on the paperwork and underlines several times FEMALE PARTNER.

The Doctor we met with was nice she reminded me of DR. Bailey from Greys anatomy the way she spoke. She all kinds of accolades from Duke University The office staff was great, nice and friendly and they explained everything to us.
The office was nicely decorated and very clean and very boutique like.

Now my poor wife has to have a whole sleuth of tests during her cycle. Poor thing! I guess this is one tome well one of the times that she and I will be so happy she has her period!

Ahh Baby making!

Social Media - So what !

2009-12-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

Every year and century mankind evolves. Its been going on for years. Computer are obsolete in a matter of 6 months after you purchase them because something better is on the market. They essentially are made better and evolved in design. This goes the same for networks and social media which brings me to to this blog. From Facebook, my space and twitter and even The Kibitzer itself its all social media
Social media is designed for carrying out social interaction through networks and unique publishing techniques. Social media uses internet and web -based programs to broadcast media monologues to social dialogues. This allow one to connect with a greater audience, find people who you have lost or lost touch with engage with some whom you may not engage with necessarily or people whom you would like to connect with on a daily or regular base with and cannot because of the distance. That is how I describe it at least.

I am so sick and tired of hearing people say, "DONT PUT ANYTHING ON THOSE SOCIAL NETWORKS THAT YOU DONT WANT YOUR MOTHER OR FUTURE EMPLOYER TO READ, ITS THERE FOREVER." ugg - I understand what they are saying but geez most people have no clue what they mean. I have a facbook account and a twitter and I write this blog. I am throwing all kinds of thing out to the world via these social media networks and yes no one knows who I am. No one reading this blog knows who I am and anything other than what I share. You may be privileged to know me YAY- FOR YOU and if you do not well FIRST OFF thanks for reading my blog, I hope you find this entertaining and perhaps my experiences can help you and if you have similar experience you are not alone - but i think its pretty funny most of the time. If not happy with its contents then stop reading!

I will now address FACEBOOK - Its not all as public as you think it is. Some people choose to share there whole world most of us are smart enough to not .... and use some sort of filter. I am on facebook and my profile is private. You cant search me unless you know my name and then you cant see anything unless I grant you permission. Now, Lucky for me I have an AKA or alias (sounds sneaky) people know me by the same name but just a lil different. If you send me a request and I don't like you or don't want you to see my online world I reject your request . Its easy!
I think most people who do use the BIG BAD AND EVIL SOCIAL MEDIA know not to give out tons of info and if they do its there freaking prerogative. Most people I know use an additional email and if I was applying for a JOB I certainly would not give them the email associated with my accounts. I have a special JOB e-mail.

So c'mon people its the 21st century we are on the verge of 2010. I was able to connect to my friend I was in Kindergarten with. That was awesome we lost touch in JR. High lived right around the corner from each other and here we are in our 30's and we reconnected! Its amazing. I have family all over and I am not so close because of the distance but thanks to SOCIAL MEDIA i am able to talk, and share with FAMILY that I did not regularly get to see or talk with.

So is it really a scary social media or are you just afraid of it. Yes, we all heard the story of the Lady who was on disability and posted pictures of herself ... She is an idiot or certainly not that smart but that's her. If you say you have a broken leg then don't post pictured of yourself climbing a ladder... again its not rocket science and well again I cant help it if your not that bright. But don't fault me for using social media because of those nimwits and because you and other out there don't know how to use it.

So I am and will post what I want to and for my friends and people I allow to be in my network. You can choose to be a part of it or not.

What happened to my sideburns.

2009-12-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

I can be a complainer. I can definitely let someone or business know when I am not satisfied. I do it pretty tactful with lots of emotion and vigor.

I recently got my haircut, its relatively easy a 2 buzz on the back and side squared in the back and keep the top short and choppy. I wear it spikey! Oh and please NO FLAT TOP! I have cut my hair on several occasions and my wife has also done so. I stopped doing it myself cuz it really is a bear to clean up and hair gets everywhere. There isn't enough vacuuming or sweeping that can get every lil piece ergo it becomes a hassle.

The lady seemed to be doing a good job and seemed to know what she was doing. I was paying attention but perhaps not enough .... I said square the sideburns not cut them off completely. I am noticing this terrible haircut job. Then she ask is it ok....and ummm.... I say yeah great, and I think ... Well i did really need a hair cut, I really did.

I'm at the cash register and I'm anxious to see what she did - but i need to look in a mirror at my house after I am de-haired. I pay the bill give her a tip ... Ugg why am I tipping here she did not do a great job ... But what do you say .. umm I hate it, not its not ok. Its not like she can fix it or I would want her to. Who knows what that would end up looking like. It's like when you are at a restaurant and your waiter ask if everything is ok and your mouth is full or if everything is not ok. Most people will just not and carry on ... UMMM...actually sir, no everything is not OK and this food sucks. (maybe on day i can say that- if it does)

So, now I have a hair cut .. Its not that bad (i keep telling myself that) its hair it will grow back. My sideburns they will grow back too ... AHHHHH! What happened to my sideburns.

I know you wondering where I went and that may be partly my fault. Supercuts was not so super to me this time. I know, I know what your thinking ... SUPERCUTS... but I have short hair and its pretty easy to cut ! Paying more than 15$ is a total rip off and please dont even get me started on the places I have gone to in the past that charge me the "WOMAN" hair cut fee of 25$ its a mans haircut for goodness sake! Why the hell are you charging me a woman's hair cutting fee? No flowy locks here no thick, silky sexy hair here. Just a Buzz and a lil texturizing. It should not be that difficult.

Never Good Enough

2009-11-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving came and went. Our first year hosting it (it was a last minute thing) it went smoothly and really well. My wife is an amazing cook - I mean really there isn't much she cant do in the kitchen. Okay, so maybe meat might be an issue being a vegetarian and all but I am certain she would be able to handle it.

This year was a bit tough its the first year we did not spend it with my wife's family. We would make the trek to Monterey and enjoy great food and company there. That did not happen this year due to unforeseen things, family issues and well we live further now and we have a trunk show to do the following week. My wife has a childrens clothing line she is trying to get going. So, a lot going on.

My parents came up with my Sabta (grandmother) for thanksgiving and it was the first time in a long while that I spent Thanksgiving with my parents. They usually go hang with my estranged sister and her kids. Apparently when you give your parents grandchildren you become the priority. Apparently I wont understand this until I become a grandparent!

It seems that no matter how old I get it and no matter what I do for my parents its not good enough. Yes, They were thankful for the dinner and the time and sharing and we even had some monumental moments. What I mean is that i can clean or have the place clean and it never seems good enough for them. I can go out and get the most expensive turkey there is and they will still tell me how great the Turkey from Vons was. I can be DEAD right about something and it seems that I never know what I am talking about. They never take me seriously.

I wonder if my parents are ever proud of me. I supposed this is something I will never know. Asking will yield a yes, Of course we are proud of you result. I am certain they are but I would like to know and especially about what.

I see my Dad constantly talk about my sister and light up when he does. She makes him proud I see that. By the way, my sister is a Lawyer and ADA actually. So when he talks about a trial or a criminal she has dealt with he beams - with rays so huge from his head he could direct air traffic. Granted, I know I am not around to hear my dad talk about me, but I know my dad would not be sitting at my sisters house telling my sisters family about me. Even when I had an interesting internship at a Coroner's Bureau. So, when is it gonna be my turn to catch my dad beaming about me. I used to be real big on seeking affirmation from them but over the past few years I have realized I am really never going to get it from them.

Maybe when my wife and I give them a Grandchild ...which will hopefully be soon.
Well regardless of the beams and the feeling of never good enough, deep down inside I know my parents really love me and I do them we just can't talk about it.

The Process

2009-11-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

The baby process , yes that is what I am referring to. We are in the process the long long drawn out and make tons of decisions process. The we're absolutely sure this is the one .. but wait what about him process.

Yes, being gay has posed some challenges. Getting beat up outside a bar, being called derogatory names being denied quite a few civil liberties and thus far the procreating challenge. ( all you religious freaks are cheering now)
My wife and I would like to have a family yes that 2.5 (yea, we really do want half a child why is it .5) and the picket fence ours will be painted black or rainbow colors, okay I am kidding about the rainbow colors and we would like a dog or a cat. Anyhow, we want a baby.

We would like to be a family unit. My Sabta (grandma in Hebrew) think we should not because its so expensive. I'm sure there are others in our family that will disagree with our decision because its not the right time. Well there is not a right time to have a baby and money will always be an issue until we become independently wealthy or I go back to school and be come that Attorney (yea right!) even so I prolly work for the wrong side and bleeding heart = pro bono.

Having a baby is expensive and even more so if you happen to be a gay couple, for that matter a gay Jewish couple! I know what your thinking .. people have suggested it to us before. Just got to a bar and have your wife get a one night stand.... or just ask a friend . It's so much easier said than done and well we resent the fact that you think we shoudl just get knocked up at a bar. First off were gay - LESBIANS so a one night stand at a bar will prolly involve the opposite sex - now, that would make us HETEROSXUAL its easy math ! Not to mention who is this schmuck at a bar and what genes will he contribute to my family, my soon to be child ... eww. As far as having a friend donate to our tupperwear party - well that is also easier said than done. There are tons of legalities and then explaining and what if the DAD ( who should just be a donor wants custody) and there goes the friendship.. trust me we did our homework!

We started discussing this way back when. We actually researched and watched in awe as a few friends went through this process and we oooh-ed and ahhed and then they had there babies. Yeah a bit jealous but we were not ready! We both love babies and kids. We are both completely different in showing that too. I am ready to jump in and my wife is more reserved. I have been babysitting since I was 12 and then worked as a nanny for several kids. My wife did it occasionally very occasionally.

We researched and read and made an appointment at a sperm bank. We had a few banks to choose from and that in itself was grueling. How do we know we are choosing the right one? We don't but we went with the one in which we thought suited our needs. We looked though a few 1000 donors and chose a place that seemed to have a selection of donors we liked. We decided to have a Willing to be known donor (WTBK). This means that when our child turns 18 s/he will be able to contact the donor. My wife knew off the bat she wanted to use a WTBK donor. I however did not. I was all about a strictly anonymous donor. She convinced me and I realize its better and the research I did proves it. See so many decisions. These are just some of the many decisions in the process. Then you asses health characteristic and then physical characteristics and you just read them all. You can't see them, there are no pictures of the guy - well not at the place we are using but we can get a baby picture of him. A baby picture ... really? How am I supposed to judge if the baby picture of the sperm dodnor is a suitable match for me. In a way its kinds twisted this is a baby picture of the dude that is donating his sperm for you to conceive! Head trip it is - for me at least. So yeah we are in THE PROCESS! which will apparently end when the baby arrives and then that's a whole other process!

Lastly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY WIFE!

THANKSGIVING

2009-11-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

Today is the day families get together and say they are thankful for all these things and each other and then turn into GLUTTONOUS BEASTS! Yeah its Delicious ! Tough for us vegetarians because everyone really does want turkey at thanksgiving !

Its sucks even more if your Birthday is close to or possibly even on Thanksgiving. Just ask my wife. She was born on the 27th . That means that her Birthday is often on Thanksgiving.
and even when its not on Thanksgiving its right before or right after. This sucks in more than one way because usually (more often than not) Thankgiving over shadows her birthday.

Now, my wife is a super trooper and will tell everyone, I mean everyone that she is OKAY with this. She'll say she just has a minor issue with the turkey being a vegetarian and all though she rather not have a huge bird carcass on her Birthday table ... ( psst.. it's their Thanksgiving table) she grind and bears it.

Now being Married for only 2 years legally (we are granfathered in fed gov't has no idea what to do with us **OTER POST**) but been together for a total of 8 years.. I know my wife well maybe sometimes better than she knows herself sometimes. I know when she says she OK and really is'nt and BIRTHDAY/THANKSGIVING is not one of them. She deep down inside despise it and well I do too. People usually forget, her family included. Okay, okay maybe they don't "FORGET" but they over look, they are busy with turkey, stuffing and baking pies and seating charts. Not to mention its her BIRTHDAY DAMN IT and she does not want a turkey! God forbid we forgo the Pumpkin pie and have a cake. It really wreaks havoc on her- she'll never tell you that or me for that matter.

So, how do I get around this .. How do I get everyone to refocus on the BIRTHDAY part and drop the bird. Of course I try to make it extra special and go super duper crazy but I admit its tough- people are busy ( now we live even farther away). Really, I can't call her family and friend and say, " hi, its me and well Its HER BIRTHDAY " cuz I can see that coming back to bite me.

I know for one I am thankful for my wife and once we have a family maybe we will axe Thanksgiving and just have a BIRTHDAY ... I can't wait !

So, though I am thankful for many things and this year i am even more thankful her bday is not ON thanksgiving but right after -HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY WIFE ( one day you'll get your photoshoot I promise)

so, maybe next year ... if you know my wife and we have thanksgiving, you'll hold the turkey or at least remember her birthday !

What To Do?

2009-11-25T06:00:00.001-08:00

As I said previously my wife is a goy er x-catholic as she calls it. Oddly enough she has celebrated Jewish holidays most her life. Her second family ( her moms best friend who assisted in raising her, is Jewish). My wife knows the prayers she bakes a mean Challah and because we are vegetarians were close to Kosher ( I said close) having another set of dishes is just too much and well we have no cabinet space! She knows about the HIGH Holidays.. and lets be real every day is a Jewish holiday... seriously.

Anyhow, we eventually plan to have a baby but in that eventually comes with all these things I never though about before. I mean when we were getting married and my father CRINGED when I said I wanted a rabbi and my mom suggested hiring an actor to play the part of the Rabbi i kinda got it .. it hurt because to us even though we happen to be GAY we were still having a wedding and in our minds it was just the same as a hetero wedding .. and it was really . But I get it , i get that its new and they never has a gay kid before and they certainly never went to a gay wedding or hosted one . Honestly ME either but I get it... no rabbi - it only kinda bothers me !
Back to WHAT TO DO .. I want the baby to have a Baby naming its standard Jewish tradition. I consider myself very reformed my dad still go to the synagogue ( Temple) for the High holidays
( i wonder what he prays about ) but i consider myself very Jewish in some regards. I wanted a rabbi at my wedding and I want my kids if and when to have a baby naming and I would like my children to go to a Jewish nursery school. I will say I am not religious though... not sure about G-d and all that . Judaism to me is more cultural/spiritual but not religious.

Anyhow, a baby naming in the Jewish religion is similar to a baptism or a Bris (Jewish circumcision boys) I suppose but different. Its where the family honors, thanks and blesses the baby girl and a Hebrew name is given to the child that usually honors relative. I supposes I should ask my wife if she is OK with this ? I kinda already know she is .. but my issue is what if she wanted the baby to have a baptism? I would so not be OK with this A baptism is so, religious ... in a church and with a Priest and it all about saving the child from what... HELL, the devil possession (this is all from what my wife's tells me) so our child can pass to heaven should it not survive... I am a fatalist and all but lets give the kid a chance! Its just way to much for me, way to Godly for me and the dunk and water and well, I am sorry, Jesus.

So, here in lies my question WHAT TO DO?

Let me introduce myself!

2009-11-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

So , First blog post it needs to be entertaining. Needs to draw you in eh ... I'll do my best I'm not so entertaining. Though, I crack myself up and think I am pretty damn funny. Oh, and I am an ass at times too. My wife says lots of times. I'm a bad speller and I will most certainly, CERTAINLY use several words out of context and I will also make up my own words. Hey, I'm just preparing you !

Here's me in a nutshell ( i prefer pistachio). I am a Jewish, lesbian (i prefer dyke or butch ) who is a vegetarian. Yup, I tried for all minority groups ! Oh and I married a goy ( a goy is a non-jew) she prefers to call herself an EX-Catholic.

My life is simple. I think I am a simple person no excessive needs or wants ... though I am a bit of a fatalist and a definite realist. I believe in honoring my integrity and I am a pretty loyal friend. I am BLATANTLY and BRUTALLY honest most times. That's really hard for people honesty to give it and accept it but I for one would not let you walk out of the house looking like crap. I lack tact sometimes which makes the honesty hurt a bit according to my wife.

My view is slightly skewed on many things and I tends to always play devils advocate and/or sit on the fence and teeter. I was told in college by several professors ( what do they know ) that I would make a great Attorney. Little do they know ... my sisters the Attorney I am the bleeding heart according to my mom she is a typical J.A.P ( Jewish American Princess)
Ok back to the skewed view... My Dad is from Israel but came to the U.S. at age 11 ergo My SABTA ( grandmother in hebrew) is from Poland and a Holocaust survivor ( that's a whole other Blog in itself ) thou she will never admittedly say she is Polish and her life's philosophy is "In life there are more thorns that roses" I share this philosophy as well most the time you can see why ! The misogyny, chauvinism the very male dominated ego and that hot blooded Israeli temper. So this eastern European up-bringing meets my mom from New York the Cat skills and and New Rochell upstate New York .... You can see why I am slightly skewed.

I am opinionated and I love to talk my mom says I'm a Yenta ( its Yiddish means Meddler, gossiper, meddlesome, busybody) I can go on and on ( as you can see).

I am hoping to share some of my life's perspectives with you and some major events in my life. I will also write about issues i have and things that annoy me. I welcome all your comments.

I am apologizing now if I offend you ! SORRY !