Never Good Enough

Thanksgiving came and went. Our first year hosting it (it was a last minute thing) it went smoothly and really well. My wife is an amazing cook - I mean really there isn't much she cant do in the kitchen. Okay, so maybe meat might be an issue being a vegetarian and all but I am certain she would be able to handle it.

This year was a bit tough its the first year we did not spend it with my wife's family. We would make the trek to Monterey and enjoy great food and company there. That did not happen this year due to unforeseen things, family issues and well we live further now and we have a trunk show to do the following week. My wife has a childrens clothing line she is trying to get going. So, a lot going on.

My parents came up with my Sabta (grandmother) for thanksgiving and it was the first time in a long while that I spent Thanksgiving with my parents. They usually go hang with my estranged sister and her kids. Apparently when you give your parents grandchildren you become the priority. Apparently I wont understand this until I become a grandparent!

It seems that no matter how old I get it and no matter what I do for my parents its not good enough. Yes, They were thankful for the dinner and the time and sharing and we even had some monumental moments. What I mean is that i can clean or have the place clean and it never seems good enough for them. I can go out and get the most expensive turkey there is and they will still tell me how great the Turkey from Vons was. I can be DEAD right about something and it seems that I never know what I am talking about. They never take me seriously.

I wonder if my parents are ever proud of me. I supposed this is something I will never know. Asking will yield a yes, Of course we are proud of you result. I am certain they are but I would like to know and especially about what.

I see my Dad constantly talk about my sister and light up when he does. She makes him proud I see that. By the way, my sister is a Lawyer and ADA actually. So when he talks about a trial or a criminal she has dealt with he beams - with rays so huge from his head he could direct air traffic. Granted, I know I am not around to hear my dad talk about me, but I know my dad would not be sitting at my sisters house telling my sisters family about me. Even when I had an interesting internship at a Coroner's Bureau. So, when is it gonna be my turn to catch my dad beaming about me. I used to be real big on seeking affirmation from them but over the past few years I have realized I am really never going to get it from them.

Maybe when my wife and I give them a Grandchild ...which will hopefully be soon.
Well regardless of the beams and the feeling of never good enough, deep down inside I know my parents really love me and I do them we just can't talk about it.

The Process

The baby process , yes that is what I am referring to. We are in the process the long long drawn out and make tons of decisions process. The we're absolutely sure this is the one .. but wait what about him process.

Yes, being gay has posed some challenges. Getting beat up outside a bar, being called derogatory names being denied quite a few civil liberties and thus far the procreating challenge. ( all you religious freaks are cheering now)
My wife and I would like to have a family yes that 2.5 (yea, we really do want half a child why is it .5) and the picket fence ours will be painted black or rainbow colors, okay I am kidding about the rainbow colors and we would like a dog or a cat. Anyhow, we want a baby.

We would like to be a family unit. My Sabta (grandma in Hebrew) think we should not because its so expensive. I'm sure there are others in our family that will disagree with our decision because its not the right time. Well there is not a right time to have a baby and money will always be an issue until we become independently wealthy or I go back to school and be come that Attorney (yea right!) even so I prolly work for the wrong side and bleeding heart = pro bono.

Having a baby is expensive and even more so if you happen to be a gay couple, for that matter a gay Jewish couple! I know what your thinking .. people have suggested it to us before. Just got to a bar and have your wife get a one night stand.... or just ask a friend . It's so much easier said than done and well we resent the fact that you think we shoudl just get knocked up at a bar. First off were gay - LESBIANS so a one night stand at a bar will prolly involve the opposite sex - now, that would make us HETEROSXUAL its easy math ! Not to mention who is this schmuck at a bar and what genes will he contribute to my family, my soon to be child ... eww. As far as having a friend donate to our tupperwear party - well that is also easier said than done. There are tons of legalities and then explaining and what if the DAD ( who should just be a donor wants custody) and there goes the friendship.. trust me we did our homework!

We started discussing this way back when. We actually researched and watched in awe as a few friends went through this process and we oooh-ed and ahhed and then they had there babies. Yeah a bit jealous but we were not ready! We both love babies and kids. We are both completely different in showing that too. I am ready to jump in and my wife is more reserved. I have been babysitting since I was 12 and then worked as a nanny for several kids. My wife did it occasionally very occasionally.

We researched and read and made an appointment at a sperm bank. We had a few banks to choose from and that in itself was grueling. How do we know we are choosing the right one? We don't but we went with the one in which we thought suited our needs. We looked though a few 1000 donors and chose a place that seemed to have a selection of donors we liked. We decided to have a Willing to be known donor (WTBK). This means that when our child turns 18 s/he will be able to contact the donor. My wife knew off the bat she wanted to use a WTBK donor. I however did not. I was all about a strictly anonymous donor. She convinced me and I realize its better and the research I did proves it. See so many decisions. These are just some of the many decisions in the process. Then you asses health characteristic and then physical characteristics and you just read them all. You can't see them, there are no pictures of the guy - well not at the place we are using but we can get a baby picture of him. A baby picture ... really? How am I supposed to judge if the baby picture of the sperm dodnor is a suitable match for me. In a way its kinds twisted this is a baby picture of the dude that is donating his sperm for you to conceive! Head trip it is - for me at least. So yeah we are in THE PROCESS! which will apparently end when the baby arrives and then that's a whole other process!

Lastly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY WIFE!

THANKSGIVING

Today is the day families get together and say they are thankful for all these things and each other and then turn into GLUTTONOUS BEASTS! Yeah its Delicious ! Tough for us vegetarians because everyone really does want turkey at thanksgiving !

Its sucks even more if your Birthday is close to or possibly even on Thanksgiving. Just ask my wife. She was born on the 27th . That means that her Birthday is often on Thanksgiving.
and even when its not on Thanksgiving its right before or right after. This sucks in more than one way because usually (more often than not) Thankgiving over shadows her birthday.

Now, my wife is a super trooper and will tell everyone, I mean everyone that she is OKAY with this. She'll say she just has a minor issue with the turkey being a vegetarian and all though she rather not have a huge bird carcass on her Birthday table ... ( psst.. it's their Thanksgiving table) she grind and bears it.

Now being Married for only 2 years legally (we are granfathered in fed gov't has no idea what to do with us **OTER POST**) but been together for a total of 8 years.. I know my wife well maybe sometimes better than she knows herself sometimes. I know when she says she OK and really is'nt and BIRTHDAY/THANKSGIVING is not one of them. She deep down inside despise it and well I do too. People usually forget, her family included. Okay, okay maybe they don't "FORGET" but they over look, they are busy with turkey, stuffing and baking pies and seating charts. Not to mention its her BIRTHDAY DAMN IT and she does not want a turkey! God forbid we forgo the Pumpkin pie and have a cake. It really wreaks havoc on her- she'll never tell you that or me for that matter.

So, how do I get around this .. How do I get everyone to refocus on the BIRTHDAY part and drop the bird. Of course I try to make it extra special and go super duper crazy but I admit its tough- people are busy ( now we live even farther away). Really, I can't call her family and friend and say, " hi, its me and well Its HER BIRTHDAY " cuz I can see that coming back to bite me.

I know for one I am thankful for my wife and once we have a family maybe we will axe Thanksgiving and just have a BIRTHDAY ... I can't wait !

So, though I am thankful for many things and this year i am even more thankful her bday is not ON thanksgiving but right after -HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY WIFE ( one day you'll get your photoshoot I promise)

so, maybe next year ... if you know my wife and we have thanksgiving, you'll hold the turkey or at least remember her birthday !

What To Do?

As I said previously my wife is a goy er x-catholic as she calls it. Oddly enough she has celebrated Jewish holidays most her life. Her second family ( her moms best friend who assisted in raising her, is Jewish). My wife knows the prayers she bakes a mean Challah and because we are vegetarians were close to Kosher ( I said close) having another set of dishes is just too much and well we have no cabinet space! She knows about the HIGH Holidays.. and lets be real every day is a Jewish holiday... seriously.

Anyhow, we eventually plan to have a baby but in that eventually comes with all these things I never though about before. I mean when we were getting married and my father CRINGED when I said I wanted a rabbi and my mom suggested hiring an actor to play the part of the Rabbi i kinda got it .. it hurt because to us even though we happen to be GAY we were still having a wedding and in our minds it was just the same as a hetero wedding .. and it was really . But I get it , i get that its new and they never has a gay kid before and they certainly never went to a gay wedding or hosted one . Honestly ME either but I get it... no rabbi - it only kinda bothers me !
Back to WHAT TO DO .. I want the baby to have a Baby naming its standard Jewish tradition. I consider myself very reformed my dad still go to the synagogue ( Temple) for the High holidays
( i wonder what he prays about ) but i consider myself very Jewish in some regards. I wanted a rabbi at my wedding and I want my kids if and when to have a baby naming and I would like my children to go to a Jewish nursery school. I will say I am not religious though... not sure about G-d and all that . Judaism to me is more cultural/spiritual but not religious.

Anyhow, a baby naming in the Jewish religion is similar to a baptism or a Bris (Jewish circumcision boys) I suppose but different. Its where the family honors, thanks and blesses the baby girl and a Hebrew name is given to the child that usually honors relative. I supposes I should ask my wife if she is OK with this ? I kinda already know she is .. but my issue is what if she wanted the baby to have a baptism? I would so not be OK with this A baptism is so, religious ... in a church and with a Priest and it all about saving the child from what... HELL, the devil possession (this is all from what my wife's tells me) so our child can pass to heaven should it not survive... I am a fatalist and all but lets give the kid a chance! Its just way to much for me, way to Godly for me and the dunk and water and well, I am sorry, Jesus.

So, here in lies my question WHAT TO DO?

Let me introduce myself!

So , First blog post it needs to be entertaining. Needs to draw you in eh ... I'll do my best I'm not so entertaining. Though, I crack myself up and think I am pretty damn funny. Oh, and I am an ass at times too. My wife says lots of times. I'm a bad speller and I will most certainly, CERTAINLY use several words out of context and I will also make up my own words. Hey, I'm just preparing you !

Here's me in a nutshell ( i prefer pistachio). I am a Jewish, lesbian (i prefer dyke or butch ) who is a vegetarian. Yup, I tried for all minority groups ! Oh and I married a goy ( a goy is a non-jew) she prefers to call herself an EX-Catholic.

My life is simple. I think I am a simple person no excessive needs or wants ... though I am a bit of a fatalist and a definite realist. I believe in honoring my integrity and I am a pretty loyal friend. I am BLATANTLY and BRUTALLY honest most times. That's really hard for people honesty to give it and accept it but I for one would not let you walk out of the house looking like crap. I lack tact sometimes which makes the honesty hurt a bit according to my wife.

My view is slightly skewed on many things and I tends to always play devils advocate and/or sit on the fence and teeter. I was told in college by several professors ( what do they know ) that I would make a great Attorney. Little do they know ... my sisters the Attorney I am the bleeding heart according to my mom she is a typical J.A.P ( Jewish American Princess)
Ok back to the skewed view... My Dad is from Israel but came to the U.S. at age 11 ergo My SABTA ( grandmother in hebrew) is from Poland and a Holocaust survivor ( that's a whole other Blog in itself ) thou she will never admittedly say she is Polish and her life's philosophy is "In life there are more thorns that roses" I share this philosophy as well most the time you can see why ! The misogyny, chauvinism the very male dominated ego and that hot blooded Israeli temper. So this eastern European up-bringing meets my mom from New York the Cat skills and and New Rochell upstate New York .... You can see why I am slightly skewed.

I am opinionated and I love to talk my mom says I'm a Yenta ( its Yiddish means Meddler, gossiper, meddlesome, busybody) I can go on and on ( as you can see).

I am hoping to share some of my life's perspectives with you and some major events in my life. I will also write about issues i have and things that annoy me. I welcome all your comments.

I am apologizing now if I offend you ! SORRY !