Getting over the Hump

With our latest cycle canceled we have toyed with the idea of leaving our current Dr and seeking out another one.

The problem is I am not happy with the Dr. now but then again I am not laying with MY feet in stirrups. DO I have a right to wanna switch as the NON-BIO mom ( a term I am starting to Loathe it already but sometimes I feel like NON - BIO makes me BIONIC somehow. Play on words maybe to make me feel better.

I like our Dr. she is like a Dr. Baily from Grey Anatomy but her bedside manner has changed a bit and she left M a message and it was very condescending at least I thought it was. The message she left completely threw me off and really left a sour taste in my mouth. Me seems impartial and not affected. She is like a Quaker man, non confrontational and such. After M and I discussed the Dr.'s message she gave a great spiel how she was going to say how she feels and tell the Doctor. I was convinced and she sounded great right after we heard the message but then she kinda looses her fizzle and by fizzle I mean passion and vigor to tell the Dr. how she feels.

The other issue is we have 2 vials of EL SPERMIES there and we are not sure how that works if we go to another Reproductive Endocrinologist. How the transfer from one facility to another. I will look in to that.

So, we are just waiting once again for Aunt Flow to arrive and then hopefully by then we will know M will know where and who she wants to go to.

Perhaps with infertility treatment they should give you free psych sessions- I think I could benefit from a few!

Heartstrings

Up until NOW this very moment I have been so excited to be on this baby making Journey.

I have read blog upon blog and sat in on chat room upon chat room listening and watching as other lesbian couples talk about the ups and downs. I understood this part. I read how people have been trying and trying for YEARS. Yes, I said years some 6 other 10 and some only 2years. I freak out on these numbers 10 years are you kidding me ? We barely have enough saved for 6months.

We tried to go the aggressive route this cycle. that means gonal-f and HCG trigger . Not cheap the gonal f which we requested instead of Follistem was CHEAPER with what our Nurse said was the same effect and results. Just a few hundred dollars cheaper. We shelled out the $1100 and ordered the meds from three different pharmacies to make sure we got the cheapest price for each. Hey, man at this point every 1/2 a cent counts!

So, we did injections nightly for about 14 days went to the RE yesterday and she said well, "it looks like the growth of the follicles has stopped" my heart sank. It literally dropped I felt it. Then she said we will cancel this cycle and you will trigger and start your period in 2 weeks.

Uhh... [MY THOUGHT PROCESS: if this was a movie scene the screen gets blurry and wavy] We had plans to go out of town for a month. Umm, we were supposed to be pregnant and wait what did you say canceled what about all the effing money we shelled out for meds and the IUI cycle. so now my jokes about my wife's expensive thighs is true but worth nothing !

Here is what we think - We think that Melanie was growing good sized follicles and on Thurs the follicules seem to have shrunk according to the numbers we inquired and were assured THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT and increase our injection dose to 150. Come Monday the Re tells us she is not responding to the medication. It was so annoying and heartbreaking and my heartstrings gave way a little. I was so disappointed but at what and whom? Then I got angry and real sad I actually cried. It was weird even for me. We think Melanie actually ovulated already and why the Dr did not get or see this I have no idea. It is Mad Science so I offered my concoction opinion to the Dr which I learned about in a chat/blog group. Why am I making suggestions to the Dr. isn't she the one who is supposed to tell us how to move forward? UGG.

SO now we wait for M to start her cycle all over again. Change our plans and once again do the waiting game and plan life around the Re visits.


P.S. friends and followers I will be moving this blog to the official twomomstrying blog on wordpress here is the link follow me there or bookmark it

Crack Habit

I recently purchased M a 2 books on being vegetarian and pregnant. We have both been veg heads for 15plus years. People are amazed when I tell them this. I guess the assumption that vegetarians are skinny. They may be right but not when it comes to me. I'm a biggie and that is putting it nicely. Anyhow, we eat well clearly. Eggs and cheese are staple, yes we are vegetarians not vegans and we do eat fish. Fine if it make you feel better we are Pescetarian, fish eating vegetarians.

I was sure M would have to belly up and eat meat during pregnancy ( WE ARE NOT PREGNANT YET) but man I did not realize you can actually carry a baby and be a

In our tryin to conceive journey we have just decided to eat as if she were pregnant and eliminate soy as we ate a ton and well not sure how that interfered with her levels. Soy has estrogen.

Back to the books I bought and pretty much most of the pregnancy books go though categories and phases. Several books have a quit smoking while pregnant phase and then there are a few books that even go on to say and explain why you should quick your crack habit and or your LSD usage. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ! Chances are if one preggo needs to Kick her crack and or LSD habit then how likely is she to even read this book. Again, i was shocked that it was in the book. Certainly if someone was preggo and had a crack or LSD habit then they should be reading a different book and the likelyhood of them being a Crak/LSD user that happens to be a vegetarian .... COME ON ... really COME ON!

It really gets my goat when i see this because here we are two LOVING people who dote on one another trying to have a baby. Thought of and decided to make this baby thought a reality, wishing for it wanting it and tasting it so badly and yet no one bats an eye when a book is published saying it might be best of you kicked your Crack habit once you are pregnant.

So preggos out there and potential preggos please put the CRACK PIPE DOWN !

by the way fans and readers I am working on a better newer shinier blog its is still under construction but will soon be THE BLOG for all the BABY MAKING STUFF http://twomomstrying.wordpress.com/

you can keep reading here I'll tell you when I do the switcharoo!

Egg on my mind!

YEAH BABY.. been doing these injection of Gonal F - Ok, I have been giving these injections of Gonal F to the Mrs. and we went to our Reproductive Endocrinologist for the dildo inside thing (vaginal ultrasound) and woo hoo .. We got Eggs !

We have half a dozen eggs! They are small but we are just at Cycle day 8
so this means the injections are working as we normal on clomid have 1 or 2.

The wait in the office to get in to see the RE was really long a lot longer than usual and they kept apologizing. I was annoyed but I got over it and M as always chillaxed. I notice while I was waiting and trying to not bounce off the walls or fall asleep there were several women in the office whom had the GREEN wrist band. We know this Green wrist band is for IUI's to be performed in our case its matches M up with her SPERM and I suppose a Wife up with her Husbands swimmer for the Heteros. Oddly the three women whom I notice with Wrist bands were all alone. Whats is the deal with the partner and or husband not coming .. OKAY, they could be doing the single mom thing but what are the chances of 3 women for IUI and all single? What up with that. Its just weird that husbands don't seem to have a role here and I think they should!

Ever since we have been back from the Re's we have been Cracking jokes (HA) and making egg yolks all day long !

Ask for Everything

All of our medication came in. It's crazy how they send this stuff and how they give it to you. Our house is starting to look like a pharmacy. Pill bottles and syringes and sharps containers Its amazing!

We saw our RE last week, we have not been there in a Month. M had her blood drawn and they did an ultrasound and we forked over this cycles payment. UGGG.. it will all be worth it I know !
We started doing the Gonal F injections on Saturday in the evening. The Dr advised us to use the side of M's thigh towards the rear? I thought this a lil odd .. but she said its better for absorption. Its a subcutaneous injection so I suppose between the two muscle is a fatty area? Damn I should go back to school and get my RN or Phlebotomy Lic.

We went to L.A. to hang with My mom for mothers day
(a real quick trip) so we loaded up the cooler with ice packs and the medication. It needs to be refrigerated.

I was also very adamant about getting what samples and kick backs I could from our Dr. Our Prenatals are RX by the Dr and super expensive so I asked for samples. I also wrote to the company of the prenatal and they told me our Dr should have a discount card. I mentioned it and they kinda just looked at me and then gave us the card.

M is a quieter type and will just go with flow and does not like to be pushy. I say EFF that We are paying a crap load and were doing most of the leg work. SO MY WORDS OF WISDOM... ASK FOR EVERYTHING! I notice while the nurse was looking for the samples to give us in the giant cabinet that has everything there were 3 Boxes of Follistim Pens and Crinone gel (if there is a next time I will take advantage of that stuff for sure)

SO friends again .. DONT BE SHY! ASK and TAKE !

so yay for us we are on our 3rd try and feel great about it and just as excited as try 1 and 2 !!!

Mother's Day and Medication

We seem to always have a quick jaunt to So. Cal from NV when we are in the middle of our trying to conceive sessions. Its seems that right before our cycle day 3 or right after our two week wait we have a trip planned. Bad Timing? I don't know - just our luck maybe we have plans cuz we rarely have things to do but when we make plans seems everything happens. This Mother's day was no exception.

We were not planing on going and when I let my dad know via a phone conversation he kinda gave me a GUILT TRIP. Keep in mind I have not missed my Mothers Mothers day brunch in years! I felt bad but M was gonna be on cycle day 3 on Saturday and to drive out to So. Cal Saturday night and then return Sunday is/was ridiculous. My Dad even questioned me about our Saturday RE visit. He said, "and the Dr's office is open on Saturday to see M?" I laughed and said yes in this business there is someone on call but we also have lots of medicine we need to keep refrigerated. His response to that was, "well Pack a cooler". I felt so bad when I hung up the phone and told M we had to go even if for a night. Luckily, the RE saw her on Friday and we left later that evening. So we packed up for Mother's Day and the Medication.

Mother's Day was a nice Brunch my mom and her friends and then my Sabta. Usually the same every year. This year I told my moms friends who have Sons in college how they should encourage their sons to donate and how Jewish sperm is hard to come by and how much money they can get paid .. It was very comical and I am not bashful.
Hopefully, a few So. Cal sperms banks will get a few new Donors !!!

On Saturday night there at my parents house we gave M her first injection of Gonal F and it always so entertaining cuz she gets giddy and has a nervous laugh and has to get a pillow to cover her head.. My dad even helped us cuz he has a pen injectable of some diabetic med he takes. Its just funny - she hates needles... but her reaction is HYSTERICAL and not like a typical afraid reaction.

Now that I am on this quest to be a Mother - Mother's day had a different connotation to me . I celebrated with all these wonderful Moms mine included and I felt the yearning and longing being that we are working on Project Baby !!!
It did not hit me until I posted the following on Facebook and My aunt responded which brought me to TEARS ! I was getting in bed and jumped on line and saw her reply.

I posted the following,

"Happy Mother's Day to all the MAMAS out there
!!!! I can only aspire to be just like you - someday !"

and then I read my Aunts reply and tears fell from my eyes. Her reply was,

"You will be...".

Just re typing this and re reading makes me choke. I can only hope !

Injectables

Yes, moving forward. We received a call from the grievance department from our DELIGHTFUL health insurance. They now tell us it will be 30 days for our grievance to be filed and decided. Then my wife's says to the woman on the phone,

"I DON'T HAVE 30 DAYS ... I AM ABOUT TO BLEED"

and I finish the statement off quietly with BITCH. M has been on Birth control pills for almost the entire month and we were supposed to trick her system in to giving her a second period but since the medication/insurance process became so lengthy she really did not need the birth control pills and well WOAH can you say PMS. She usually gets cramps and a little agitation but this is full on FULL METAL JACKET mood swings. okay, that may be my perspective ... but i have never seen her like THIS before.

So, we decide to forgo trying to have our DELIGHTFUL insurance co cover the medication for this cycle. We paid out of pocket (DONT EVEN ASK ITS A LOT). medication was ordered. M called just about every fertility pharmacy to determine who has what prices and who is the best price ... I was proud as it was just like a (enter my last name if you know it) way. SO all of her meds are coming from different pharmacies.



We received a knock at the door and low and behold its our FEDEX driver who happens to be a Lesbian ( M thinks so) and she gives us the box with all our INJECTABLES inside. I love the word injectable... everything is on ice and it came with its own sharp container. I was impressed. My dad has injections he needs and he did not even get a container but I guess if your paying (insert large amount here ... No a little higher than that) then you deserve a sharp container.




We are getting ready to start as soon as M hits Cycle Day 3, which should be any day now as she took her last birth control pill on Monday and well her own body is ready according to her and her PMS. Hopefully third time is a charm cuz were ready to get this baby started!

I will also add I am excited to giver her these injectables. I am a bit sad they come in pen form and are pretty much self contained. Originally the medication would have been in a vial with a syringe that I would have to draw up ( you know I love medical stuff) I guess the pen will have to suffice!

I don't know what the side effects are or what kind of hormonal change will occur. I do know that M's PMS tends to be of the hellacious kind and I do not wish that on anyone. WOAH ... WATCH OUT !

Thank god were not dying !

Our insurance company does cover some fertility medications. I read through the paperwork from front to back cover and of course it is vague as all get out and footnoted like crazy.

For the past 3 weeks we have had a prescription submitted to our insurance for medication to assist M in ovulating, egg maturity and follicle production. This one particular medication is 1,700 just for this particular injection ( there are a few of them) and then there is a HCG trigger to release the egg once its mature enough and progesterone gel she will need after we inseminate. HCG is about 50$ for this injection and the progesterone gel is 250 for 14 days supply ...That is 2000 just in medication. Which is covered by the insurance but, not covered because it is for Artificial Insemination. That is foot note 15.

What does this mean well seeing as we have submitted this 3 weeks ago and M is about to cycle and we need this medication ASAP now. So, after about 20 plus calls to figure out what it means what is covered and what the hell is going on... and THANK GOD she is not dying or really in need of serious medical care.

We have now set for a Grievance with the insurance company, that was supposed to be reviewed in 72 hours but apparently that women whom told us that was incorrect and it take 30 days.

We will get past thins and we will NOT let this GET US DOWN but it is aggravating and frustrating. We are just trying to have a baby - people. Does it really need to be that difficult !

Party! ... Like were 80

WOAH .. so M and I though we would divert the Baby Making stress by volunteering our time to GAY PRIDE. There was a PRIDE Girls party at a bar here in Las Vegas and we volunteered our photography skills.

SO we went to this club and it was about 10pm (late for us ) and well M is very shy so I am always interested in how walking up to strangers and taking a photos will pan out for her. Me on the other hand I rarely have an issue... and Just walk up and say Hey, your looking good mind if we photograph you .. blah blah blah. Funny how I am self conscious but yet I can do things like that.

It was w bit slow at first people were shy, reserved and timid including Melanie. We mosied and walked around in circles. Our plan was I would ask/talk to the people and she would take the picture. It went well.

It picked up the later it got, atypical for clubs were ready to go home and call it quits and the scantily clad Go Go dancers show up. Boy did the party get started. Gyration Girls kissing .... We were partying now .. but we felt like we were 80 !

We aren't accustomed to being in bars where you can still smoke ? It was odd and well our bodies did not adjust so well. I felt as though I smoked 20 cigarettes and my close wreaked like I was trapped in a box filled with smoke and ash.

Insurance - love it and hate it !

Trying to conceive and the emotional roller coaster is one thing. One huge thing but never did anyone mention the tribulations with insurance.

Insurance, I believe it should be an oxy-moron. Again, the roller coaster of trying is a peice of cake in comparisson to having to deal with the insurance. Our insurance is supposed to cover a percentage of our fertility medication - This is the reason we chose this lovely company. Here we are now trying to get a pre-auth and an approval calling the pharmacy and then having the RE call us and then calling the Insurance company. A shit load of leg work, SHIT LOAD I SAY and why are we paying these people.

We know our insurance does not cover Artificial insemination and we were ok with that and understood it to mean that they will not pay for the IUI's and IVF.

We were told today that our Insurance the lovely company that they are does not permit/allow treatments for Artificial insemination and that includes just the medication apparently. The short story, is that a Hetero Couple that has fertility issues can get coverage if they do not need insemination help .... but if they do then they can not get coverage via insurance! Crazy I know ... so why cant our RE say that we are just need the medication and why disclose we are doing INSEMINATION.

M is getting upset by the whole insurance idea. I feel bad, but I am so proud that she had been dealing with this all on her own and doing the back n forth trying to coordinate.

Well the bottom line is while we are still financially able we will forage forward and try to conceivable. We have saved for it and will go through what we have to!

WE WON

SO while we have been trying to conceive we have also been trying to win products for our baby. We just won a cute amazing stroller. Now we just need said baby for the stroller!

Check out what we just got its from Baby Planet: Endangered Species Stroller
They bring consciousness to families and for every stroller sold they donate money to WWF foundation to help Endangered Species.

I hope this win sets forth some amazing Baby JUJU for us.

I just found out that a old friend of mine who is straight who was also trying just got her positive result. She had tried three cycles the old fashion way and so again .. I am hoping our third time is a charm. I was a little jealous at first but now i am over the moon for her. Its weird how that happens how we are trying and when we hear someone else is preggo this enormous amount of hate annoyance and ill feelings consumes us.

Other than this win not too much has been going on .. M is still on BC and will commence soon I think and we just wait for her cycle.

We have met with some new friends and have all decided that we need to figure out how to get a gay/lesbian parenting magazine. cuz its GAYby booming !

So happy baby making !

LAY AND WAIT

M has been on Birth control for a bit she has to take them for 10 days then we stop and do the injections. Its fun for me - she is a lil scared. Damn i shoudl have went on to get my RN .. I love medical stuff but i really have a tough time with Bureaucracy . I think its the reason many are so unhappy with their jobs!

We have joined a Lesbian/Gay group in town and have met some amazing people. There is one couple whom we are becoming close to and I just have to say ... BOY O BOY its so nice to be able to speak to someone about this about everything about us. They already have a baby a beautiful little boy who is a delight. I love shooting the shit with them because WE never really had anyone to compare notes with and DAMN ... OH DAMN its so wonderful and awe inspired!

There are just some Lesbian couples that have a different dynamic and even though we are all lesbians and gays there is a huge subculture with in the group. The Butch Femme dynamic the sporty/competitive lesbians, femme femme and it can go on for a while -. NOT THAT THESE LABELS OR DYNAMICS matter but its just hard for me and M to hang out and relate to sporty lesbian - we can but we just have a different/difference. Oh this must make me sound horrible ... i think most of you will get it but some may not ... JUST TRUST ME ... I am not really picky but its hard to relate no one is better than or less than we are all equal and just as family dynamics are culturally different so are lesbian couples. Anyhow I am trying to say I am really glad we have made and are making new friends!

We are still on the Baby Project ... waiting .. and waiting .. but we have had a 2 week break and we celebrated regrouped and re focused and we are ready to tackle the next cycle injections and all. I heard some great feedback about the injections we are getting and so I am excited not sure about M. So here is to looking forward and moving UP ... Pregnancy we are ready come take us !

Who knew!

I am very public about our trials and tribulations when it comes to Project Baby ! I am very vocal that we are 2 moms trying to conceive. I am so amazed when I tell people that we are trying to get pregnant and the process we have to go through. Then the person whom i am divulging this to usually a woman usually replies with her own struggles when she tried to have a baby. The majority of folks I am speaking to are straight and so they share their experience with me and it is SAD, but amazing that I have this camaraderie with them. Then I grasp what they are really saying ... the NO, shit your straight and have sperm at your disposal and it did not go as you planned look on my face! Who knew that straight people have just as much problems conceiving as us and they usually have all the mechanisms needed, full access to an unlimited amount of sperm. WHO KNEW!

I was discussing with my friend whom shared with me that she and her man were also trying and I was so delighted when she mentioned that she was thinking the same thing I was, which is that when we see a young teen that is pregnant we tend to think .. WHAT the .... she prolly did not even plan that and she prolly does not even whan it and here her and I are and we would practically do anything. I wont even write about the friends who are also trying and finally see success or say no we were not trying it just happened! They piss me off too but not in a bad pissed off why but a confused way.

Oddly, my friend and I are were a little envious of eachother prior to our marathon emailing. She was envious of us because she's thinking we have medical intervention so we are taking it down to the science of conception and I was thinking she has a live sperm donor who can donate at any time place and date and its free! Either way neither of us are pregnant yet but the comedy and tragedy in this Emotional Roller coaster is amazing and we both agreed Humbling !

I'm not a religious person and she may be more Godly than myself but she made a very valid point which was, "it is a miracle of God. not man, nor science can ensure it will happen." and well I am not sure about the miracle part but I know we have very little control even though we feel like we have to make a decision and choice about our process on a daily basis!

So, no matter if your are straight, gay or single and trying we all have our trials and tribulations and eventual success!

Happy Baby dust to you !

Rollercoaster of Emotions

So We did our second IUI a few weeks ago and had the Beta test (its the blood test that tells you if you are prego or not) we were so sure it worked this time. We meditated, changed our diet, cut out soy (which is tough for us Vegheads) and M did acupuncture and massage galore. Our Beta on Friday revealed a Big Fat Negative. M was so so so BUMMED to the Max and well its a super emotional time for both of us.
Oddly, we always have a trip planned right after we have the results. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

It was an unsuccessful one again.. and only our second try. We know better, we know that it takes 3-6 trys on average for a successful IUI. But we want it so so so bad not to mention the savings if it were to happen sooner than later would be nice.

So now we wait again for the cycle to continue or until we can't take it anymore or our money runs out...This is difficult for me because there is no definitive that says, ok now switch donors or now try this way or now stop trying. We are gonna keep trying !!!!

While we were in LA we stopped off at the sperm bank we are using and we begged them to let us pick up our Donor sperm. It saves us a little money on shipping (every bit counts) so we drove from CA to NV with our most precious Cargo. So fricken comical this experience is we are either balling our eyes out or ready to kill each other or laughing hysterically at Dinner for NO NO NO apparent reason or singing to our DONOR SPERM.. AFTERALL THIS JUST MAY BE 1/2 OUR KID!


Today M and I are Celebrating our 3 year Domestic Partnership so we are excited that we have this huge tank and are hoping it will have conception mojo !

Its a crazy ride for 2 moms trying !

Still waiting. I am trying not to be so Focused on trying to Conceive as I think I may be thinking about it to much. Like a watch pot never boils.
M goes in for blood work this AM ... Same routine different Day. I am being and thinking positive ! M feels great and she is now adjusted to all her medicine.

We will be headed out this afternoon to So Cal. M has a work meeting and then we have a wedding on Sunday ! That should be fun- We really miss Cali a lot.

I am still doing a ton of reading- which is surprising to me as I dont like to read much.

I will say that the Reproductive Endocrinologist we see said it was a good thing we cu out Soy from our diets during this process. Damn, it been a bitch to figure out what to eat being a vegetarian and not eating soy is a difficult task Of course we are making do.

Time Change sucks!

I know its been a while since we changed our clockes but damn it really screwed/ screws me up ! I am just not with it - could also be cause of this ear thing i have gong on. Infection cleared up but I hear the fluid in side my ear. it is extremely annoying and very headache-is but as my lovely grandmother says - "I'm not complaining" and actually I am not... occasionally I will mention something to M but usually not and my Dr. advised I give it a while to correct on its own ... Well MOFO its been a month if not more.

Been super busy getting stuff ready for the wedding we are attending this coming weekend. Nextime I am not going to be so forthcoming in offering my services. People just seem so unappreciative these days and it really throws me. I have spent a few cents on this project in which i volunteered myself and they offered to pay me but I am not sure what to do ... DO I just say aww it was nothing and still get a gift or do I gift them the paper good my services and ink ? I dunno? I'm too DAMN nice!

Lastly, I really get annoyed with people who say they are "POOR' and make excuses and such and then low and behold the so POOR people are going on vacations .. or Buy a big house or a new car ?? Makes no sense to me. Especially when I check my account almost everyday and determine if I wanna spend money on Gasoline for my car or save the money and go out to eat and using what coupons I can and sadly even asking company brands to send me a free coupon ! I dont get it and it really annoys me .. and yet I am the one who is offering the bum on the street my leftovers or a bag of food for his/hers dogs that looks like it has not eaten in a great while! CHUM CHANGE ... instead of tipping people at the counters where there need not be a tip jar... i give that 50cents or dollar to someone who really needs it !

Just my rant for the day !

Thursdays Escape me

another Late blog my apologies.

I am not sure what the deal is but Thursday seem to escape me. On Thursdays I dont wake up as early as I do the other days. Weird.

So M went to the acupuncturist again . This time she had to see a new one a more authentic one if you will by my standards. Why authentic you ask, well she is Japanese for one and not native to USA or so it seems with her very think Japanese accent. The other Acupuncturist was all American a Jewish vegetarian at that kinda hookey mookey as far as I am concerned but I never met her in person just via Website. Hey, now I did not judge a book by its cover ... or in this case a woman on her website but I base my opinions on M's interactions with her and M's report on how her experience went.

So the Acupuncturist taught her some Tsai chi I am sure I spelled that wrong .. and talked to her about Meditation ans such. Blood work show all levels good and progressing.

So See you on Tuesday !

Anatomy is Amazing

Yes, yes We are still on Project Baby (I know I sound like a broken record) Hurry Up and wait. M went back to RE for blood work /hormone checks and we wait for the Magic number and the magic call and then all the magic will happen.

During this down/ hurry up and wait period I tend to read and research and read again. There are Blogs a plenty about fertility and websites galore on female anatomy and the fertilization, implantation process. AMAZING ... I have looked at a bazillion diagrams of female fertility process.

It just amazes me that these tiny sperms swim so far well in IUI case its only a 4-6 inch swim but it takes them a while. My reading did not tell me how they know which fallopian tube to swim up. I suppose they maybe swim up both, I dunno but they do. I am also amazed that an egg is released from the ovary and just knows to float to the fallopian tube? See I said it was amazing.

We are-trying to stay calm .. and doing lots of visualizations oh and did I mention lots of reading. I cant stop !!!!

LATE BLOG

eek ... sorry, I woke up at 5:30 AM for no apparent reason and had the song "Oh Sheila" and I was like WTF? I dunno either, today I am feeling totally off.. its so weird.

Anyhow, went to see RE on Wednesday and she did a ultrasound and measure M lining and follicles. Her lining is great and her follicle are at 20 something. Guess the acupuncture helped and the massage too ! We wait now for the RE to let us know when to trigger.

M and made a vision board . It petty cool we use it for inspiration positive thinking. This process has really brought us closer together in many ways. I am so thankful for her and appreciate what she brings to my life and thankful for her and my life in general although there could be some improvements like a decent job.

and now we just wait - the waiting parts in this baby project really sucks!

Not Alone

still hurry up and wait ... I wonder if we would feel the same way if we were actually "infertile" I mean I guess we have a case of Male infertility ...Obviously, but were not infertile.

We made new friends this past weekend New Gay Friends some with children who have already gone though this process and some still trying. We met a younger couple that is trying to conceive and it sadly comforting knowing that things were not easier for them because they were younger. It was very comforting knowing we are not alone in this process. It's comforting to know there are people that we now actually know .. er met that have tried more more than us and some who have tried less and some success and some unsuccessful. The bottom line is that we are all gay and going through the process-and we already know what a crazy process it is.

Camaraderie is a wonderful thing and though each of us had a different route in this process and there are never guarantees we love knowing that we are able to speak to real live people who live it or lived though it who are also willing to share. YAY for new friend!

We are still waiting for the follicles to get a little bit bigger but all of M's hormone levels are great and her lining looks good too. She did a session of acupuncture and said that was great she came home and literally looked stoned she was so relaxed and stressless. Her eyes were lil dopey and half open- who knew having tiny needles in you could make you feel that good but my wife like hooky mookey medicine teh chiropracter, massage, touch healing all that.

We are still working on it....but not alone and very thankful to be able to go through this process and meet amazing people!

We're not infertile just GAY

I have bee reading lots of fertility and infertility blogs. Trying to find out if and what insurance will and will not cover . We are not really "infertile" ... No were just GAY... so the lack of sperm creates this infertile /fertile thing.

We go back to the Fertility Specialist today ... a ultrasound and blood work. I heard M tell her mom on the phone, "thank goodness the midget will be there" and I chuckle. There is a little person that is there on TUE/Thur and she is one of the very few ho can draw M's blood with out extra pokes and usually with out incident. We are very happy that she is there and mean no disrespect but THANK GOD for the MIDGET.

M finished her clomid and hopefully the follicles are getting bigger she started on a estrogen hormone last night..

again its the wait and see...

still waiting

This time change is killing me ... My goodness why do we have to do it I am having a way hard time adjusting. I know its only an hour but i am off like 3 hours somehow?

So all of of M's medications arrived safe and sound and the Pharmacy even gave us a discount ! YAY and THANK YOU Walgreen's Specialty Pharmacy.

We are really sad and a lil annoyed that the nurse we loves is no longer at this facility and the girl who took over her position just seems a lil young and a lil ditzy, but we kinda pros now so we know. We dont have to go back until Thursday ( i know this wait even though nothing is really going on and we are waiting for the follicles to get bigger just seems like a longer than normal wait time.

M will start the estrogen my poor wife all these hormones are causing her to break out like a high school girl. Its a lil fumy but hormones happen and so far she id occupied by doing our taxes so she is not overtly irritable (YET)

Anyhow go back on Thursday for a Ultrasound and blood work and then hopefully then they will schedule us for another and we will just monitor the growth and then do a trigger and eventually the insemination again.

I feel it in my bones this time and we pretty much act like M is already prego, changed our diet and look at adorable baby clothed and cribs .. So excited!

Here we go again!

Went to RE today. M Had a ultrasound Dr was able to visualize lots of eggs on each side but small. Got a scrip for Clomid will start that tonight. Have to go back on 18th for another ultrasound and blood work. Thank goodness they were able to get her blood in one try. Sadly, the nurse we really like there left .. bummer! Lots of other lesbian couples there today that was nice to see. So, here we go again YAY ! Trigger should arrive tomorrow and now that we Hurried up we have to wait! We feel good maybe better than in the beginning as we now know what to expect. On a side note it was snowing when we left the Dr. office ... and when we got home.

I noticed our sperm bank now offers a handful of donors who are willing to be known who have adult photos available and a full face video. I was thinking about looking and seeing if we should switch- I dunno if what he looks like matters and I like our donor and ***weirdness*** his birthday is soon and we believe we will be inseminating very close to his birthday. Odd I know ...

Hurry ... WAIT!

We did an insemination and waited the dreaded 2 week wait. M went in for hormone test galore. They can't find her veins very well so she had 6 pokes and lots of fishing which hurts and now GNARLY bruised to show.

Unfortunately our IUI was unsuccessful. We hear this is common place for the first IUI and people who get it on first try are relatively lucky. Sadly, M was having morning sickness symptoms which were caused by the progesterone or the metformin so it was a little miss leading.

We are not as disappointed as most are when they get the call with negative results. We were kinda like ... ahh ok so this is how its going to be and well, we did not really want a scorpio baby anyhow ... I know, I know ... how can we say that!

The bottom line was it was not the right time and it was just not meant to be at that moment. We are hopeful and eager to go full force for round 2 and now we know what to expect so its not so big and scary and the wait is still dreaded but we will understand it more.

so Happy Baby dust to us and anyone else trying and we are thinking positive!

Sorry

SOrry for the late blog, I am totally sick and it really sucks and totally stressed

I have no idea where I got sick from. But my throat is killing me, at first I thought it was the Tequilla I was drinking the other night. I needed a mental vacation so I took refuge in a bottle of patron ... 5 shots later i was happily numbed. Hey, man dont knock it .. I rarely drink but i was so stressed out I figured I try. The housewives in OC drink that stuff like it's water and they are a quarter of me. I dont know how they do it !

Anyhow, Still stressed and now have a KILLER KILLER throat issue. I slept in which is unusual for me. Now I sound like a bad smoker, although sometimes my sick sexy voice comes out ! My chest is heavy and feel like one big almost dried booger, You know he feeling.

Anyhow My throat coat is brewed and waiting for me ... or my throat is waiting for it.

Roller Coaster

I have had a new outlook on the Project Baby thing.

Knowing that we are trying and having it be successful we are kinda puling all the stops. We changes what we are eating and basically eating like we are pregnant. No deli meats ( not that we ate them to begin with, no caffeine, chocolate and no white sugar,) Increased eating pineapple, bananas and fruit all around bromilad (sp) helps implantation supposedly.

M is still on some hormones she went for a level check yesterday. They had to stick her 6 times. She almost fainted and threw up. She says its because she has "BAD" veins. They collapse which is a common things phlebotomist encounter but I also think her veins are small and her blood pressure is real REAL low so the vacationer is too much pressure for her vein and well causes collapsing. They should just use a syringe this way they can monitor the suction. Anyhow, her progesterone levels have lowered. They were really high and now they are lower nothing to be concerned about they said they will monitor and it was not so low that she should double up on her progesteone. This new was really upsetting to M and well her whole experience (she did not want me to go cuz it was supposed t be a simple blood draw) She drinks water before she goes so she is hydrated.

ANyhow, the constant up and downs with these hormones I am supportive and been really good trying to do everything ... and well I get my head bitten off...

Trying to insert myself in this process but she does not think my questions are valid or legitimate and really its her body and her experience.. I just kinda get left out and that makes me feel bad.

Lagging

Sorry for the late blog again,

I am just not feeling myself these days. I no longer have an ear infection but i have very very clogged ears as if I am on a plane that keeps landing and taking off. I feel like if I tild my hear to teh right that a whatever is in my ear will fall out. I went to a ENT 2 times now checked my hearing which he says is phenomenal. When your in a small box that is sound proof of course you can hear everything.

Anyhow, I am lil dizzy and have headaches and he says that my ear will have to drain on its own. I wonder sucky Nevada Health Care or The Dr is right?

I made another appointment first week of march so if its not unclogged by then he better do something. If i dont drain it myself. A sharp needle? There should be a website that is dedicated to at home procedures so people dont have to worry about expensive cost and medical bills or no insurance. I would be game.

Well, Project Baby is still going frustrating also. We have to wait for that perfect moment and hope it does not get missed and M went today for a hormone check again. Hurry up and WAIT ... we have been doing a lot of that !

My mothers other daughter

Like i mentioned in previous post. I have sort of kind of been "chatting" with my estranged sister. We have not really spoke in about 4 years this Jan.

How we came to chat (it was actually e-mail) we are e-mailing. Of course our mother had something to do with this. The middle man... She always took bits and pieces of our lives and stories to each of our families. The conversation would sound something like this, "I know you don't care or wanna hear about it but, your sister.."
and this is how we were kept in the loop with one another but not ever talking.

My sister did a really really hurtful thing and the "I'm better than you attitude" is really obnoxious. She was more of a hazard to me than any good and why should I have kept someone in my life who was always belittling me and degrading. I would have to think more than twice if i was going to say something and walking on egg shells- being judged really sucks and quite frankly, she did a lot of very hurtful things. She never really did apologize.. she called to say she was calling to apologize but never said she was sorry or even what she was apologizing for?

Anyhow, I am not trying to rekindle the relationship. I have come to terms with being an elective single child. I know your thinking how can you say that and blood blah blah blah .. but it been 4 years and we were never NEVER close and this I remember from when I was very little.

I think its really funny how we have been E-mailing for a few days ( my responses are much longer and more in depth that hers) and all of the sudden she just invites me to visit her in another state for her sons bris. Yes, it was very awkward to me and I'm sure if I go I would feel some sort of animosity or something because nothing has really been resolved but because we are hopefully going to both be mothers (if This Project Baby ever comes to a head) that I should arrive at the the bris and we are act like best friends. (well, that's what I think in my head and only because I have an ideology of the Preis clan which is a real sisterhood and what I would want if I ever had a sister.)

I'm ok with e-mailing her for now and certainly keeping her at bay but not sure if I will ever consider her to be my sister. She certainly fell short of what I think a sister should be and we are really on opposite sides of the spectrum with nothing, NOTHING in common. She is uber republican probably staunch, high-falooten and will step on and over whom she can to get to where she needs to go. and... well i need something more than this, I need someone who's got heart and a soul.

It really does amaze me that we were even birthed from the same parents and were housed in the same womb and have the similar genetic makeup and we are EXTREMELY different.

So, I will keep e-mailing because that is who I am but and i will toss my expectations to the side to protect myself from getting hurt or being disappointed.

Injected

Sorry for the late blog- Ack I am really not myself these days.

Well, at 9:00 pm yesterday I gave M a injection also known as a trigger. Its is similar to a Hcg surge. This "trigger" will trigger her ovaries to release the matured ovum so we can do an insemination.

I have taken a medical assisting course and a phlebotomy course so giving an injection was no biggie for me. It has been a while but whats the big deal. However, M who is the biggest whimp when it comes to needles or the sheer smell of rubbing alcohol. It's kinda cute. Anyhow, I watched a video on a website for this particular medication and the nurse at the fertility clinic also gave me a quick review. Clear air bubble, prime the syringe (make it so a drop comes out of needle prior to injection) did it all. This injection is a subcutaneous ( shorter needle that gets injected in to the first few layers of skin the cutaneous layers and NOT IN muscle.) I'm in position i am ready ( its like playing darts a lil you just dont let go) and them M starts laughing hysterically. I mean hysterically, so now I am holding this uber expensive medication in a syringe mind you and we are cracking up. I have no idea why .. I think for her it was a nervous laugh maybe and I was just laughing cuz she though it was so funny. Then she wanted to cover her head with a blanket so she would not see me do it but then kept laughing and saying, "wait, wait, wait," it was quite comical then i thought i shoudl just do it while she is laughing except she was moving so much. We finally both calmed down and i stuck her. She ask, "did you do it already" and as I withdrew the needle i say No not yet. Her response was, "wow, I did not feel it" and then of course a few second pass and she starts saying it hurts and burns.

Now we wait for the next step. Insemination. We have been keeping everyone in the loop thus far but then we realized if we tell people about the swimmers and when we do insemination then people may ask us ... Are you pregnant? and that can be detrimental and stressful. So we will not tell anyone when we inseminate. I hope I can keep my mouth shut .. I like to be open about things and quite frankly, I am not a good liar or fibber.

But we are so excited and Giddy ... M went and has 2 massages this week to relax her she has a free card/subscription an has several hours saved up and if we do get pregnant she can not have a massage for 5 weeks. We have been eating all the things she will not be able to eat if she becomes pregnant. Blue cheese, big fish, chocolate.

I am not a big faith person but this clearly is out of my hands and what-ifs do not belong here right now so Its all about faith now. Crazy how that works. I am hopeful. This has been an amazing experience.

See you on Tuesday !

OVUM 17mm

I apologize for my lack or blog posts last Thursday. I have been dealing with a middle ear infection. Oy, if its not one thing its another. My uncle would say I am am complaining or playing the victim or woes me. I dont want sympathy- I have a ear infection in my middle ear and went to a ENT he did a procedure and well i have to go back in 2 weeks even after taking some crazy steroids. Whatever, this is why we pay an arm and leg for health insurance.

So last Thursday we went to the Dr and were sure she was going to tell us to trigger and then come back on Sat for insemination. Sadly, she didn't. She gave M a ultrasound I think i have been saying sonograms (i am/was wrong). She checked out M's ovaries and the one we can barely see that is hiding behind her uterus is the one producing. It has eggs but they were very small so we have to wait. The Eggs were measuring 10mm and the RE wants them at 20mm to inseminate. So they drew M's blood wich is a feat and a half as she has horrible veins and really no one can draw blood from her. She says she has collapsing veins and I think she has roll away ones. Either way they stick her a lot.

Our RE told us to come back on Monday ( yesterday ) so we did. She did another ultrasound and wow amazing the very difficult egg was measuring at a 17mm. They directed us to do a trigger injection on Wednesday at 9pm in the abdomen or thigh and then we go back on Friday for the insemination. I am so giddy, excited and freaked out. I will post things as they come. M is really worried about the injection but it will be fine. Project Baby is well on its way !

Sorry !

Sorry I have not been feeling well still with this inner and outter ear infection I am seeing a ENT now .. But we are going to Fertility place this AM so Keep your fingers crossed!

Outta my mind... outta my hands

I believe this week will be a very big week for us. Insemination is near. M finally finished her clomid and then we go back Thur for a quick sonogram to see EL Eggies! That visit will determine the exact day we inseminate. I am so excited and very scared. Actually I am going outta my mind. Thinking all kinds of things and then I realize that its out of my hands and this I think is the scary part er.. I dunno what part is scary. I do know that I get super excited and all giddy then I get super cautious like my super excited-ness is a bad thing? Weird. Emotional for sure. Then the what if's come ... I am able to seduce them back into the ground where they shall stay. I feel really hopeful though and so for that I say YAHOO!

I believe that M feels the same way. I think her and the hormone medication have come to an understanding. Seems her side effects have lessened. Boy does Thursday seem like a long time from now or what.

I am trying to ask everyone as many questions as possible about everything I can. Like i said outta my mind! Oddly, I have even kinda been e-mailing back n forth with my sister. I know, I know that's huge (well kinda)- Actually to me its not big deal and that is how it shall stay but I need to update you all on it so I guess eventually I'll write about that

This Project Baby is just so big right now that its really is what is taking precedence and priority I cant really deal with the feelings I have about e-mailing my sister.

Swimmers have arrived

I have tried to take a very medical approach to this whole insemination /fertility things. However it seems so clinical to me. We trying to get this baby started! Looks like we are in luck. M called the RE and told them she stopped taking the Provera and has yet to have a period. They were like well you will prolly not be bleeding much because you had the surgery a 3 weeks ago (yesterday and well they cleaned everything out in the Curettage so nothing to shed.)

The Re checked my wife's uterus and and eggs said everything looked great. Cervice dilation still a success.
We received a prescription for Clomid they gave us a voucher for 3 free fills (NICE) and then we go back on Thursday for another ultrasound! They are going to prescribe us with a trigger injectable. M is freaking out hates needles and such the mere smell of rubbing alcohol makes her wanna pass out. I'll do it for her (its about time my phlebotomy and Medial schooling come in handy)

If all goes according to plan we will hopefully inseminate Valentines day weekend. The irony in that and oh the romanticism.

I am so excite giddy really... moving forward. However, that comes with the detrimental thoughts of what if it does not stick ! We have to be positive ..OKAY .. and we are for the most part. Ahhh.. so I am gonna wait on my wife's every whim and be super duper nice try not to upset her. These hormones are killing me i can only imagine what they are doing to her.

I think when prescriptions come with side effect warning that the person taking the pill shoudl not know about them. The mere power of suggestion can cause things to go berserk!

Crimson River or Aunt Flow

I'm trying to think where I left off last. I know it's only been 6 days. Well M stopped taking the Provera Medication on Thursday. This Medicine was stopping her from getting her period. Her last day was Thursday and on Saturday she has some spotting. Woohoo I know right- So happy to see blood. She was still spotty on Sunday and well Monday not so much. Annoying! She and I have never been so excited and or anticipating a period so much in either one of our lives. We are on a constant cheer for "Aunt Flow" and waiting patiently for the "Crimson River".

Makes me realize how as teens when we got our period we are so naive and know so little of really whats going on. Perhaps if I knew now what I know about Menstruation and period and ovulation then I would be much more appreciative of "AUNT FLOW" and her monthly visits.

I keep trying to tell myself dont think about it, dont ask M about it cuz then it will never happen. Kinda like a watched pot never boils type of deal. Either than or one day soon M is just gonna start pouring blood like that poor Girl Carrie from that Horror movie. Sorry I cant help it The Project Baby is always on my mind. If I am not reading about things then I am deciding how to decorate and or going through a slough of other thoughts. I need the Jewish mysticism to kick in now. The Mysticism that tells you its a shandeh (shame in yiddish) to think about these things and talk about things.

Well, we are still waiting and now I find myself researching the wonderful web on how to induce a period naturally ! Ha-Ha

Happy ...Scared SHIT

We went to our Post-op and were basically given the all clear! HOOORAY for us !!! The Dr. went over things she did it the operation explained pictures to us. It was a very exciting but dull appointment. Then this other women comes in the room with us and glides a piece of paper over which stated how much things will coast. Kinda what we expected but not really. (in my head I hear the ACME sound when a cartoon sees a hot woman AWOOGA AWOOGA and I felt my eyes pop outta my head) We don't have many choices at this point and saved !

My wife and I look at each other and we say READY .. Of course were ready for this baby, of course were ready.. We are just not ready to give up all our money. I guess that part will never be easy. This particular plan did not allow for any refund which was a lil annoying. Say you purchase the 2 insemination which is a lil less than the 1 (they give you a break). If you get preggo on the first insemination of the 2 purchased you dont get your money back from the second ! I think that is a rip off and it is. But what are we going to do, WE ARE READY, WE WANT THIS BABY!

As soon as we got home we ordered our sperm from the sperm bank. It was a emotional day, We are so excited but it quickly gets washed out by the amount of money we spent. Thank goodness we have been saving. I was so nervous to place that call with the sperm bank ... and double checking everything. I was come over with last min second guessing. I was A-OK with this donor had it set then the feeling of is this right, is this ok.... Asked my wife and she yells YES!!!!!!

So we did it. Sperm is ordered now we wait till her cycle starts and then pay for the insemination. It was busy day yesterday ... and I was tossing an turning about it all night. So HAPPY, SO EXCITED but Scared Shit !

TORN

Yesterday was my Happy Birthday! It was great fun good food a ton of birthday messages on my Facebook and in box and cards in the mail. A deliciously wicked cake baked by my wife!

Now that my Birthday has come and gone we have my wife's POST OP visit. I am hoping everything is healing well and the Fertility doctor will say stop taking the provera
(a progesterone hormone that stops menstruation) and then she will start her cycle and get clomid and thus the INSEMINATIONS will begin.

I am little torn about this though. Ya see if we do insemination now and get pregnant then the baby will be born in 2010. This is good because with the surgery she just had and insurance we have met our deductible (we have a PPO) so this means that if said baby is born this year its birth will essentially be covered by insurance. Well, I really like the fact that we will not have to pay any additional fees. That being said I am frightened at the the fact of having a baby in NOV and DEC. Okay, calm down let me explain.

Gay families get to practically choose everything from donor characteristics. This process is a plan that is well thought out unlike heterosexual people. We have to think weather or not we want children and and then think how we will obtain this and who will be our donor and who will carry. So my thought is, that we have put all this thought in to having a child why cant we plan out when its born (We can) Well try to at least decide what month it will be born. My wife and I have a lil issue with Scorpios (the sign) and well My wife's b day is on or a day before or after Thanksgiving and from previous blog you can see her anxiety, hate and distaste. The next month is Dec and early December is great but Hanukkah can get in the way later is too close to Christmas and well I don't want another Holiday to interfere with my family (that must sound terrible) I just know the issues my wife has. Not to mention the Scorpio thing.

I dont know much about Astrology and signs .. it is a lesbian thing though a lot of women who are gay seem to have this Astrology thing going on .. My wife kinda has it.... like i said I dunno ... but i know what she tells me about Scorpios and I have seen her friend who are Scorpio and I know that I have a father and sister who are LEO's and have a hard time with them being an Aquarius. .. Okay I know this sounds ridiculous!!! I know ... but if we hold off the baby can be born in JAN in 2011 and have its own Birthday not under the pressure of another Holiday and but we would have to meet our deductible .

I know Crazy right !!! WHat can say I'm an over thinker!

All over the place

I am counting down the days for my wife's post-op appointment. I am so excited for the Project Baby. I found new resources and books to read. I also joined some yahoo groups they are mainly for pregnant lesbians ( more for my wife) than me but when resources are limited sometimes you need to just jump right in. Still trying to find blogs, groups and the like for non-bio moms and pregnant butches even though I am not pregnant. I am feel ass though I am all over the place with this. From thinking of names, to nursery design, to the OH shit factor and clothe vs. non cloth diapers. I know, I know .. I am all over the place I am just so excited, scared and everything in between.

My wife schlepped me to an Estate planning meeting held by the Human Rights Campaign. Oddly, i have been all about this prior to her surgery and really thinking about if and when Baby-cakes comes ( we have not even inseminated yest). I am not naive or anything, I am a realist and a part-time fatalist ( hey, I am working on that).

I realize we have to act swiftly and prepare all this stuff and how important it is. Just more hoops we homos have to jump though to ensure we get treated like half a person. Moreover , I realize the many dollar signs that come with this "Estate Planning" i put it in quote cuz Estate is so fancy and well we are more along the lines of "Shack Planning" we dont own yet and our assets well we dont really have those. A set of pearls and the wife's wedding ring and the rest is sentimental stuff I suppose. OK so maybe that just the estate part and there is the durable power of attorney and the Medical directive and this and that and that and more of this.

We both agree its important for us to do this and we realize it more to protect our child/children. We keep saying well if anything shoudl GOD FORBID happen my mom wouldn't and well my family is cool but push comes to shove we have no idea what will happen. Just as I truly believe there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. From what I have seen you try to be nice and sweet after all this is someone you LOVED and CARED for ...Nope MESSY MESSY MESSY.

We heard really great things from The Attorneys that spoke and some Big HRC wig also spoke. Learned a lot i didn't know. Like Nevada does allow second parent adoptions and China, Guatemala and another place makes you sign a disclaimer when adopting stating your not a lesbian or gay therefore you can not Domestic Partner. Most compelling for me was that the Family Attorney said that in his office they know what judge to use because there are Judges in NV that will not side for the GLBT community. Umm.. wait just a minute .. Judges aren't they supposed to be impartial and non bias( ok maybe that was a lil naive). I know this but really for a family attorney to spout thins at a HRC meeting on LGBT Estate Planning.

Ok well I think I will go back to looking at Cribs and strollers and cloth vs. regular diapers. But I will also look up some will and research stuff like that as well. It needs to be done.

Project Baby in full Force

The wife had her surgery 6 days ago. She is doing well, sleeping a lot. I am not sure if she is generally tired or if it is pain med induced, either way she had a pretty invasive surgery.

We see the Fertility Dr on the 27th two days after my Birthday. If everything is healing well and the Wife's recovery is on point then The PROJECT BABY is well on its way.

While she was laid up we watched a ton of movies, THANK GOODNESS FOR NETFLIX! We watched two movies that were really great and also gave us some insight to our process. "Making Grace" is wonderful Movie about a Lesbian couple who is on the path to having a baby. It was wonderful watching knowing that our thoughts and freak outs and concerns are some of the same and/or similar to other people in this process. ( Tammy Stoner if you are reading this you need to thwart your talents this way and make an updated version with more people and diversity you can call it Project Baby !)
The next movie we watched lead me down a path I am still unsure about. The wife wants a home birth or natural birth. I love the concept of it but with the medical background I have it scares me. We watched The Rikki Lake film "Business of Being Born" and it was astounding! Once we are in the swing of things I am sure there will be a blog about Home birth vs. Hospital. I'm really torn and if you watch teh movie you see the irony with Abby.

I am lil bummed because there are not many books on lesbians and conceiving and moreover there are not book on butch women and babies and I have found tons of fertility sites but nothing geared at Lesbian women and certainly nothing geared to even straight men let alone Butch women. I am so the talker and question asker- I need a group of like people to connect to. I talk to my wife but its even a dynamic that she may not understand.

Well I suppose now that PROJECT BABY is in full effect things are going to come outta the woodwork and issues and ill preparedness and questions and all sorts of EXCITING Things!

Really this baby making stuff is all that is on my mind... I'm kinda obsessed and I am not even the one who is getting pregnant !

SURGERY

woo hoo ... yesterday was surgery day !

It was nerve racking for sure. We hurried up to wait basically. The hospital even called us because we were running a bit late but then again so were they and not just a bit how about a hour.

there were several other people in the waiting pre-opp room. We all stared glazed over looking at the new about Haiti. Its terrible... and then i was feeling a tad claustrophobic and crap we are all breathing in each others carbon dioxide and ewwww..
I sometime over think over analyze and basically freak. So a man came in and I could just tell by what he was wearing that he was having surgery so, I jumped up and gave him my seat, besides i am gonna be sitting for 4 hours.

They call the wife in but tell me to STAY BACK... then what seems like a lifetime they call me back in. We just chit chatted, talked about the white light and how NOT TO GO TO IT and if she feels compelled to then don't stay long and say hello to all the loved ones we lost. Sometimes you have to just joke- it oddly made us feel better. They asked the wife the same questions over and over again she looked so helpless and cute in her hospital gown and DAMN those things are stiff as all get out. The Dr. finally came updated us on yet another delay and told us how she was starving .. umm HI, and so are we ... finally they take her in 2hrs later.

SO I waited and walked around the parking lot and got fresh air and paced text everyone the update and phoned a few friends and family. I was in a conversation about insurance with my uncle and then saw the Dr. I was surprised and it seemed like she just went in. The Dr. gave me pictures of my wife's parts her liver and ovaries and tubes... it was amazing. She said everything went well ! WOO HOO I was saying in my head....I said thank you and she went about her next surgery.

The hospital was a lil taken back that We were married and the nurse had a tough time with it but nothing outwardly malicious.

The OR nurse called and said she was just waking up and it will be about an hour before i can see her ... but it was only like 30 min if that. I went back and walked in and gave her a hug n kiss and asked tons of questions which she had no clue how to answer cuz she was out and groggy. I told her I had pictures and she was all confused and I showed her and then her eye opened wide ...an she said Ohhh!

Then another nurse helped her to the bathroom I helped her get dressed and they wheeled her to the car.

Our Drive home was funny My wife still drugged was talking nonsense and saying weird things she was insisting that i have my head lights on.

The sky was amazing on the way home it just rained so the there were clouds some dark some very yellow orange ( we call it pretty light time ) and some powdery fluff and the most beautiful rainbow it was just straight prolly the end of a rainbow but it was backwards... purple, blue, green, orange, yellow, red...

and we got home and I made soup and jello ...

and then I put her to bed and Project Baby starts again !

Pre- Op hell

Ok, Yesterday was hell .. well for me at least. We went to see the Dr. she gave us the info we needed for The Wife's surgery this WEDNESDAY and then we had to do all the pre-op stuff. You already know my feelings on it. Freaks me out. As much as I am a medicine/medical buff and love knowing things... I dislike Hospitals very much.

As a child I remember being at hospitals regularly. My Grandfather has had several open heart surgeries (like 5 of them) He was so scared that one of the bypasses he had to have his chest packed with sugar because there was too much scar tissue and they could not sew him closed. This was Amazing to me, but i hate hospitals

Anyhow, I am not sure exactly what my issue with Hospitals are i also feel this way about most Dr. offices and clinics and bathrooms a lil phobic.

Okay so the Dr. tells us the complications, I ask a ton of questions and oddly I ask them of the Dr. and she always turns to my wife and answers. I asked my wife if she thought this was odd and she agreed. Back to the complications she did not mention anything too serious just said she can accidentally poke a hole in her uterus ... Oh that's it, is what I am thinking to myself... Just a hole hmm.. Uhhh wait don't we need the uterus for our child that we are trying to make hence the surgery ...YEAH!
She went on to saying the uterus will heal if she does poke it and everything should be fine. My wife is gonna get the Michael Jackson stuff (that whats the Dr called it) we all made comments and chuckled. I felt so much better after talking to her.

After our visit with the Dr. we had to go to THE HOSPITAL to do the pre-opp there.

Neither one of us ate our appointment was at 11 with the Dr. and then after we went to THE HOSPITAL at about 12ish. We signed in and WAITED and WAITED and WAITED... an hour and half later they call us ... Just to fill out paper work and have the wife do a urine and blood test. The waiting was killer for me and my wife was waiting next to me. What the hell is it gonna be like on WED when I am all alone waiting for 4 hours. I paced, I shook I rocked and paced again.. Then they called our name .. I ran so fast to the counter.

After we filled all the necessary paper they gave her a fancy plastic white ID bracelet on her wrist ... and she isn't even gonna be there for another 2 days. i though it was odd... She signed on every line possible added the date and then we were pushed off to the next area where I have to wait another 30-45 min for her to get a blood draw and urine test. I thanked Baby Jesus and his conglomerates, Moses, Allah , Buddha and the resat of the gang for my phones Facebook Capabilities. I call my mom to pass the time and then my wife send me a text from the other room. Damn , I think too bad she will be out during surgery otherwise we could chat.

Finally she walks out ....so 3 hours later we finally leave and were starved ok FAMISHED....

I hope I don't kill anyone on WEDNESDAY- as the waiting creates this impatience that makes everyone you encounter ANNOYING even after you leave the hospital.

Overwhelmed ... just a bit

My wife is having surgery next week. This Babymaking project is starting to get a bit on my nerves. As my wife says, "why can't things just be easy for once."

We saw the fertility Dr on the Monday and she tried to do some test but was unable. My wife's cervix is apparently very closed. So she will need surgery to dilate her cervix.

I am not one for Doctor not a big fan. As medically obsessed as I am I dont like going to the Drs and I dont like being in hospitals. I am freaking out here. I am really trying to be strong for my wife and trying to be as supportive and positive as I can be but I am really freaked out. I will be sitting in a waiting room freaking out. I know I am holding her hand and I am great at that.. but who supports the supporter. I asked my mom if she would come just to keep me company and well she has to work.

I know everything will be fine and i hoping this as well. But in the back of my mind realist/fatalist is here saying hey...This is a big thing this could become more serious, there is serious risk. I know this ... there are complication that may occur. I could loose my wife and that little percentage is killing me and frightening. I just can not handle that. I'm a complete and utter wuss with that. Who picks me up from that ... and I cant dare say anything to my wife.

I read the books about power of attorney and Medical advocate and we should have done the paperwork even though we are married legally in CA (grandfathered in sorta ) DAMN PROP 8 hater. Can the hospital refuse me, could her parents decide to step in an shut me out? My brain is throwing out every possible situation. Life insurance, how are we going to afford this, whats it even going to cost... SHIT why did I buy so many Christmas presents.

Clearly you can see I am freaking out... I need a support system..because my support system is going to have surgery.

I have been an emotional wreck 1.) there is a humongous amount of hormones in the air they are pumping my wife chalk full of them and somehow I am being affected and she is super irritable and hormonal. I am trying to tread lightly I really am. 2.) my brain is just spewing and I am strong for her but wish she knew how I felt; alone at the moment. 3.) my wife is having surgery

Oy .... i try to remember to breathe

Crazy Coincidence

Well Happy New Year Friend. Hoping 2010 is prosperous, fertile and Happy for everyone.

I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Though I am a realist and often a fatalist I do believe that eventually the reason will peak its head up- yeah it may take a while.

On December 31 209 the wife and I ventured to the fertility place again for a Vaginal ultrasound and blood work. It was a busy day there lots of couples mainly hetero ones and we saw one woman and her husband/partner being given a gift bag and being released to a OBGYN ... Congratulations your pregnant ! It was a good Day. We also call another couple who seemed to be very joyfull.

The Ultrasound went well the Dr. says my wife has lots of good looking eggs ... however there was a few questionable things like a polyp and a possible cyst. SO we discussed a few things and it sounds like surgery. Nothing super bad easily fixed and very common from what I hear. For the record... the idea of surgery and my wife really freaks me out. I cant tell her cuz I am supposed to be super supportive but who is gonna support me. Did I mention I am freaking out.

Anyhow, we got gugssied up and feasted on New Years Eve at the M hotel and had so much seafood and a truck load of Crab Legs, wine and beer ( all you can drink) We were feeling good and really full. It was so packed we could not even get on a slot machine. We were walking around the hotel aimlessly and a nice handsome black gentleman came up to us and said, "Hey did'nt I see you guys at the fertility clinic this AM." We engaged in a short conversation and he told us they were pregnant with twins ...SO, I rubbed his arm for good luck ( we need all the help ) My wife was like Oh my god you rubbed his arm, twins ..

Now what are the chances that we would run in to a guy from the Fertility clinic which I will say is not close to our house certainly not as close at the M hotel.

Everything Happens for a reason.